A key explanation of why happiness is so elusive is in the answer to this question: Why are some homes more a ‘home’ than others? This is no surprise, since the wise tell us that home is where our heart is at rest. Indeed, where else would our heart be at rest?
Life experience brings to light what to the young might not be so clear. Real rest is elusive. Ironically, or rather paradoxically, rest must be cultivated with much effort. The natural starting point is in the home. And marriage most makes a home be a home; and this especially where spouses forge a friendship with one another. We might say a home begins in marriage; a happy home begins in a happy marriage; and a happy marriage is where spouses are deep friends.
This is a matter of good philosophy and logic. In an assertion with far-reaching implications, Aristotle wrote:
For it is the special property of man in distinction from other animals that he alone has perception of good and bad, and right and wrong and the other moral qualities, and it is partnership in these things that make a household and a polis. Politics (emphasis added)
In short, truly human life, while enacted in a material world just as for other animals, is essentially a moral and spiritual affair. And, partnership in perceiving and pursuing moral character is what ‘makes’ a household.
What a radical notion! Household, the primordial human community, is especially characterized as a partnership in the daily project of trying to live a morally good life! This takes us at once to the very foundations of marriage and life itself. What most constitutes human life also constitutes a human home—seeking, cultivating, and discovering virtuous human living, together.
The implications are breathtaking. Aristotle also writes, “Hence in the household are first found the origins and springs of friendship. . ..” (Eudemian Ethics) Of course! In the household are the springs of friendship because a household itself springs from friendship. Beginning with spouses.
Human life begins—in several wonderful senses—when a man and a woman are joined in the friendship only possible for spouses; or in any case, joined in the intentional pursuit of it. And so they make a life together every day. And their home becomes precisely that: a home. Where people love to be. There. Together.
The formula is at once stunningly simple and profoundly challenging. The first step is to realize this, and to set our sights on it. And work, and pray. Otherwise, it will remain out of reach.
Aristotle saw that true friendship is all about virtue: it is rooted in virtue; it grows through virtue; its goal is virtue. Spouses have the best natural opportunity to discover and enact this reality in a context perfect for friendship but also more than just friendship. Theirs is a relationship intrinsically oriented to generating and cultivating the life of others; and as a sacrament, their relationship takes on even deeper spiritual signification and implications.
The almost overwhelming difficulty of marital friendship might cause us to wonder. Can this whole plan really work? There seem so many ways things can run amuck and that we fall short in our marriage. Could it be that the ‘theory’ of marriage is great in the abstract but in reality it leads to much pain?
I think the answer is yes. Both are true at the same time. Here we are at the heart of human life, the center of existence. Part of the plan, in a real sense, is that it overwhelms us. It makes us question, and perhaps even be tempted to despair. The great issue then is what we do next. Are we willing to accept that the plan is that demanding even as it allows for human shortcoming? Are we willing to accept that Mercy is essential to the picture, and so open ourselves to receive it?
…all this, as we keep trying, ever starting again, from wherever we happen to be. All for the sake of them–our loved ones. And for Him, who in the end might only be accused of devising a plan so astonishing that too many of us find it a stumbling block. ~ ~ ~
NEW PODCAST EPISODE, #6: FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE: Can It Be What You Hoped It Would Be? Listen wherever you get your podcasts, or view on Youtube:
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Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
Thanks.
” And their home becomes precisely that: a home. Where people love to be. There. Together.”
Well said. Are you living in a house or is it your home? Is it a place where you eat, sleep, and keep your things before getting back to what you really enjoy… or is it in your home with your spouse where you really enjoy and the rest of it is what is ancillary?
Thank you, Tom. And I like how you put the question. And if someone asks: but are you saying that life is *reduced* to what goes on in the home?, my response is: No it’s not! There are essential aspects of life that go on outside the home. And we can make the home the ‘center’ of our life in a way that is not selfish or narrowing but rather expands our heart and empowers us to be all things to all men beyond our home too.
So beautiful! My husband had a TBI and it has been a one way road due to his brain injury..I really liked the end of your talk and how noble it is to stay and endure in the struggle for mutual friendship. I have found great love in the empty spaces of my heart filled by God alone…thank you…and I thank God for this journey because it has made us stronger in love.
It’s always a blessing to hear such a testimony. Thank you, J!
What a few great lines here John. To use a sporting analogy this would be perfect motivation for a locker room billboard. In our house it will land on the refrigerator door for all to see. Its proper place will be next to the image “ final blessing in the old cottage”. Marriages need “deep roots to produce much fruit”
The natural starting point is in the home. And marriage most makes a home be a home; and this especially where spouses forge a friendship with one another. We might say a home begins in marriage; a happy home begins in a happy marriage; and a happy marriage is where spouses are deep friends.
Thanks Teddy!
Perhaps one way to understand how to preserve friendship in a marriage is to recollect how each party acted in the very beginning of their getting together. We all know this stage as one of infatuation and we all also presume it is just a beginning thing, that it must eventually fade or give way to the nitty gritty elements of two people living together. But does this have to be the case? How exactly did one act towards the other in the beginning and how has that changed (it more than likely has). I submit it changes because we forget what we once did so easily. We appreciated the other for who they were/are and we most certainly didn’t sweat the small stuff or their peculiarities. We enjoyed immensely getting to know each other. Over the years though, we forget how exhilarating it was to do this and we fall into the trap of sweating the small stuff. After years and years, these sometimes turn into big stuff. To what advantage do we do this? There is none. But it does take serious effort to view the other person as one did in the very beginning because perhaps the human condition is to easily get wrapped up in the drudgery of day to day life because the true human condition is to so easily take things for granted with nary a thought for what losing such a friendship would mean.
Thanks for this Bob. I really appreciate this reminder. I simply add something that I know you’ll agree with: somehow we can ‘preserve’ that wonderful ease, freedom, and joy we had at the beginning, even while also it deepens and matures. Perhaps part of the reason it was ‘easy’ for us at the start is that it was uncomplicated by things that do make it harder; so our effort is to maintain that ability to rejoice in the other even while also integrating the difficult but ultimately deepening aspects of the things that can hurt us too.
I wanted to share a personal reflection regarding when you and your spouse are not at the same point and how change can occur. My husband is not a Christian but has supported me in my faith but where I have seen the huge growth in our marriage is when I chose to work on myself. I loved him and prayed for him but was actively learning to be a better person, mother, wife – studying the Scriptures, asking God for help with the Fruits of the Spirit, working on a certain habit I needed to alter. Showing my gratitude and choosing to focus on him and his interests and needs. Not to the detriment of myself but seeing the good in him. It took the last 6 years at least but slowly the changes in me activated more love in him and from me to him. As Sofia said the differences are still there to some degree, but it is no longer division, and we celebrated 26 years of marriage last week. It will be slow but it can and does happen.
What a beautiful testimony, Cate! Congratulations on your 26 years. What a great wisdom in your willingness to work on yourself even while surely tempted to focus on what was difficult for you in the relationship. It’s so encouraging to hear how this effort has been blessed by God!
Great article and comments.
Can you share some additional resources on the subject of friendship in marriage?