In an age that questions, doubts, and undermines first things, there is at least one silver lining. It demands that we look more intently and perhaps even discover some of these ‘first things’ for the first time. Fatherhood stands out among these.
It might have seemed that a conceptual analysis of fatherhood is so obvious as to be foregone. But words of Thomas Aquinas indicate otherwise: “It belongs to a father to produce and to govern.” Simply focusing on the second of this couplet, we have opportunity to recognize why fatherhood always has been and will be supremely challenging both in concept and in practice. To govern. No human reality is at once so necessary and so prone to corruption. And it always starts—where else—in the home.
Aquinas deftly takes us to the center of the human drama by noting that the individual good and the common good are not identical. Since nature assures that people incline to their own individual good, there must be something (or someone!) that looks to and ‘moves toward the common good of the many.’ And so nature provides that there is governing authority in human communities to do precisely that. Aquinas might have simply said, and ‘so nature provides that there are fathers.’ For a father, by his very nature, is a man who looks not to his individual good but to the good of others. (And of course fatherhood intrinsically demands the co-agency of motherhood, which here we will not address.)
This analysis points to what is perhaps the central, all-encompassing, and daily demand of the reality of fatherhood: its very nature is to be other-centered. To be selfish is not just a shortcoming with unfortunate consequences. It is a failure to be what you are—just as to be tyrant is to be no king at all.
In enumerating the awful consequences of tyranny in the body politic, Aquinas gives a chilling picture that applies also to the home of the self-seeking father.
“Thus there can be no safety. Everything is uncertain when there is a departure from justice. Nobody will be able firmly to state, ‘this thing is such and such,’ when it depends upon the will of another, not to say upon his caprice.”
Everything is uncertain. Nobody can make firm statements about how things are. We have here basis for a devastating analysis of what we see all around us today. And it begins—where else—in the home; in the home where there is not the foundation, that solid and irreplaceable rock, that looks not to his own good. But to theirs; to ours. A real father.
Such a philosophical analysis is useless if it devolves into finger pointing. The drama and the challenge of discovering and enacting real fatherhood involves all of us, and probably implicates many of us. A great place to begin is to be grateful for Father’s Day and to take it to heart. Now is the time to rediscover fatherhood, and there is no better way to begin than honoring it.
Aquinas argues that we naturally know that a father is worthy of both reverence and obedience. The notion (and practice!) of obedience highlights that fathers should be governing or directing toward the common good. The ‘common good’ here functionally means the greatest good of those he is serving—serving precisely through his governance. Obedience is essential to human flourishing for the same reason that governance is. They are two sides of one gold coin: each is demanded by and draws us toward the astounding reality of human flourishing.
And then there is reverence. Some find themselves in a position where it is difficult to muster reverence for a father. Surely, many of us fathers are not as deserving of reverence as we might have been. Father’s Day for this reason might well elicit pain.
Even while recognizing and standing in solidarity with such pain, we do well to consider that fatherhood itself, even as an ideal often unreached in its real integrity, is ever worthy of honor and remembrance. Likewise, even faltering efforts at practicing it call for gratitude and honor, and a hope-filled resolve to do whatever we can to promote and support fatherhood, and all those striving to do it. ~ ~ ~
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All very worthy thoughts to consider and I do agree that even if we are in circumstances where fatherhood brings pain for us, we can still show reverence and respect toward that role and that individual, as our Father asks us to in scripture. I think this is a topic that deserves more discussion and it continues to come back to how the flourishing of the household works, and fathers have a vital role in that. Thank you.
Thank you, Cate. I completely agree that it calls for more discussion–indeed, I think we’ll want to keep turning this over in our mind as long as we live!
Thanks as always for the wonderful reflection John and last nights talk on zoom. Both have some wonderful points to ponder and consider on how to be the Fathers that God is calling us to be. As I have come into middle age and the kids are growing older I quit frequently take the time around Father’s Day to reflect on the past year and my role as a husband & father. I find myself thinking about the good, the bad and everything in between. It’s a similar exercise I use when doing my meditations on St Joseph during the month of march. And now that I’ve had a year with lifecraft and trying to build the good life, I think a lot about your words of as to whether the house is flourishing or not and how does my role as the father affect our home’s ability to flourish or not. And as with anything in real life some days sail along smoothly it the flourishing happens naturally or organically per se. I’m convinced that the days that we struggle to flourish or flop or flail around is because this father with his faults and weakness gets in the way of the proper flourishing of the household. I hope you have a very happy Father’s Day surrounded by your loved ones.
Thanks so much, Teddy! You too have a wonderful Father’s Day. It’s great to be on this great journey with you. Thanks for your example of fidelity.
Thanks
Once again, Dr. J … truly OUTSTANDING!
Thank you, Michael. Have a great Father’s Day.
If all fathers were as described here, there would be fewer divorces. Most women divorce because of infidelity, abuse, indifference, not feeling loved. I am not saying there are women who do not do the same. But we cannot give our unconditional support when he betrays his responsibilities.
When guys night is more important than helping with the kids homework, or mom is sick or is a mommy’s boy. When the wife comes in last in the family structure how she supposed teach a son how to be a good man.
And when a father doesn’t value his wife’s input or put up a united front with her— especially if she is the faith-filled one, and sees “how reality is” while he is very permissive, and denigrates her understanding and sensibilities before their children—instead of loving his wife and treating her as his true partner — a daughter will not feel valued as a woman or a person. A daughter will see her father’s marriage to her mother as “utilitarian,” and feel like an object herself.
Hence the growth of the “non-binary,” genderless, sexless set of girls and women who’ve lost the sense of the true and incalculable value of their femininity, as well as of their human personhood.