If my experience is any indication, personal letter writing has become rarer. The difference between emails and ‘real’ letters is surely related to why we write less even as it has become easier. But here I want to reflect on the importance and beauty of writing to loved ones and friends, either way. This is another ordinary aspect of human life that will reward our attention and intentionality.
In A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken expresses the essence of letter writing: “Writing a letter is a real form of conversation in which the image of the distant person is held in one’s mind.” There are two things here that strike me.
First, writing a letter is a form of conversation. Aristotle says that conversation is the most characteristic action of friends. There are of course levels of conversation, which vary according to the depth of relationship and the moral and intellectual habits of the persons involved. Cultivating an ability for rich conversation and seeking good contexts for it—and these cannot be taken for granted—are essential to a good life. This already suggests that how and whether we write letters has great significance.
Of course, some conversations and likewise some letters focus on practical matters in a way that has little to do with deepening our relationships. Other conversations and letters are very much an exercise and function of a relationship itself, and it is these on which I reflect now.
Letters traditionally have played a very important role in how two people—such as lovers, spouses, friends, family members, teachers and students—not only get to know one another but also to some extent simply enact their relationship. In written conversation, as in in-person conversation, we live together by sharing our inner life. Experience shows that taking the time carefully to formulate written words is a unique and oft irreplaceable mode of self-expression, and so also of coming to self-knowledge. Even spouses or friends who live together often find writing a letter an indispensable means of communicating.
When we hear Jim Croce sing that “every time I’d tried to tell you the words just came out wrong, so I’ll have to say I love you in a song,” we immediately grasp that words other than those directly spoken are often needed to capture what is in our soul. And the carefully measured words of a letter, or perhaps a poem within a letter, are often precisely what is needed to give nuance and depth to crucial ‘conversations.’
This closely relates to the second point, that the other person, though absent, is held by an image in our mind as we write. I love this point. Of course there is a danger that we will speak, as it were, to a fabricated image, and perhaps not really reckon with the other as he is. Yet it seems to me that writing a letter prompts us to face this danger. We strive from a distance really to see the other and to dwell with him. We anticipate how he might hear our words, and we make adjustments ‘in his presence’ from afar, enjoying a certain space for careful reflection.
A well-considered letter, then, is a kind of preparation and a promise, sent in the hope of in-person fulfillment. Done well it expresses what might not have been sayable, at least not yet, in person. In this way the letter can deepen our contact while making possible even richer contact next time in person, even if we don’t know when the next time will be.
Writing a letter by hand is of course a kind of gold standard. I think that it, especially versus email, facilitates the two points we’ve noted: that writing is a real conversation, with the other present in our mind. The good news is that simply being aware of the advantage of writing by hand can prompt us to deepen our practice of emailing, making it as much like ‘writing’ as possible. Perhaps today we can raise the bar as we utilize the ease of writing to people by email, as well as consider dusting of the stationary and pens.
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Image: detail of Man Writing a Letter by Heinrech Breling
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Wonderful! I think you would enjoy reading Virginia Evan’s’ book The Correspondent published last year – it demonstrates all you mentioned and I think it could influence the return to letter writing – at least for some who think as you and we (your readers) do!
Thank you, Leigh Ann! I will definitely check it out.
Ah, letter writing, with a fountain pen. I still do it. I enjoy the deliberative effort both in composing thoughts and puttung pen to paper. I write them mostly to my daughters; it’s a good way to express something they can read, digest, put aside for a while, then come back for further consideration. Thanks for the post as always!
Beautiful, Bob… My dad died at age 65 and the few letters he wrote ( college, early marriage) to me are my valuable treasures. I can take them out and trace his lovely penmanship and can hear his caring thoughts toward me. It really is a very long-lasting gift you are giving your daughters.
I do the same, Bob, and have written letters like this to pen friends, family members and friends since I was in high school. Also with a fountain pen. It makes me slow down and it is a considered art. It is my hobby and it is a craft that I learned from an older woman friend. I am now 54 so that is a lot of letter writing. I like the idea mentioned in your post, John, of thinking of that person and adjusting to what we write, the words we use, even our heart attitude as we write. Bob, you are so right that letter writing is deliberate and it is not like that as much when we compose an email. I met a pen friend from Basel a few weeks ago and her friend said that she felt she knew me as well because she had read most of my letters to Claudia over 15 years. Conversation face to face simply followed on from our rich letters. This is a good topic alongside the Intentional Life. John, Australia finally has copies of your new book and I am eagerly awaiting its arrival soon. I was praying for Lifecraft on my morning walk in the fog. Blessings and thank you for another excellent, thought-provoking post. Cate
Thank you, Bob, Lori, and Cate! I’m really inspired by this to spend more time writing to my children (and others!)–really taking the time to craft it well. And thanks for the prayers, Cate!
Thanks
Could not agree more and add these thoughts as additional points to consider. A hand-written letter is able to convey things that not even face to face conversations can effect. There is a sense that every word has been considered before being put on paper, whereas in a verbal conversation words, because of their ease in expressing, may not nearly be as meaningful as the ones put on paper. And as opposed to email, which as a tool there is nothing at all wrong with using, the written word forces frugality that email does not, because even the best writers ought not be inclined to write magazine length messages to their recipient, which would be tedious at best. On that note, I would suggest that a letter created via a keyboard and printed out to be mailed can also provide a level of sincerity, if that is the right word, in much the same vein as a handwritten letter can. The writer is not tempted to quickly hit send as one is inclined to do with email, but rather one can edit and rewrite a letter done on a keyboard to get it just right. At the very least, one element of the handwritten letter and the printed letter possess that an email doesn’t, is that the paper containing the message will be held in the hands of the recipient not only to read, but to be held onto. Holding a letter in one’s hands offers something no email or even in-person conversation can.
Yes, Bob. Holding that letter in your hand, even if it is an email printed out is still more considered and precious. The points you make are all true. Thank you.
I too agree, Bob, and you have given me more to think about–especially the simple fact of having something to continue to hold in your hands. Thank you.