“…for a common life is above all things natural to the female and to the male.”
Aristotle, Oeconomica
One telling aspect of a marriage proposal is that the man usually has a bit to say. Even if he doesn’t actually put it all into words, he needs to be ready to give an account for himself and why he is making this specific proposition, to this particular person.
For this reason, in the stories of the proposal we tend to focus on what the man does and says. In the retelling we want to know just how he did it. We tend to take the response for granted.
But the proposition had to take the form of a question. All the man hoped and planned is completely dependent on something outside his control and far beyond his right to demand. Will you…?
Is there any word so beautiful and powerful as ‘Yes?’ A woman’s yes to the proposal of marriage—which of course is solemnized in the ‘I do’—stands out from all other yes’s in natural human interactions. And indeed, this word can express what is at the heart of being a wife—and more generally at the heart of being human. Human life always demands recognizing and receiving the various aspects of the gift of what it is to be a human creature, and the natural plan for our flourishing according to our specific state in life.
I am convinced that in some important way a woman has a deeper sense of the significance of her ‘yes’ than the man has of the significance of his proposal. If you ask a man whether this proposal and its upshot will change everything and become central in his life, he will surely answer in the affirmative. He knows conceptually how big this is.
But a woman feels it—in a way he usually doesn’t. At an intuitive level the import of a life-long and total commitment is profoundly present to her.
Part of this situation is that generally marriage in its fruits will be more directly and concretely all-consuming for her than it will be for him. A man tends not to comprehend this. He needs to learn to see it, and even feel it. As the marriage proceeds it is likewise often she that first senses the unique and at times overwhelming challenge of the married state. She tends to discover first just how different she and he are in how they think, feel, and approach life. Isolation and loneliness, and at times a profound fear can first rear its head in her.
From the start a woman has a natural sense of the ever-mysterious reality of marriage—and what it will demand of her. Perhaps men and women married for some time come to recognize this, and they look back, at themselves and at other people getting engaged and married. And they tremble for both of them, and perhaps especially looking through the eyes of the woman.
May you and your husband grow in understanding of each of other and of the mysterious reality to which you have committed yourselves. May your yes bear great fruit: its natural, but oh so hard-won fruit, for you and for others.
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“But a woman feels it—in a way he usually doesn’t. At an intuitive level the import of a life-long and total commitment is profoundly present to her.“
I wonder if the Blessed Mother felt this yes… and that’s what the feminine heart distantly replicates in every “yes”…
what a lovely blog this is.
Thank you, Catalina. I cannot but think that she did feel it…
May it ever be an Icon of the Annunciation: The Blessed Virgin Mary’s “Yes” to her Spouse, the Holy Ghost, to bear for us Ies, Himself.
You only need one Yes in life.
Amen.
In the rite of consecration of virgins during which the virgin candidate is solemnly consecrated as bride of Christ, the diocesan bishop asks the candidate: “Are you resolved to receive solemn consecration as a bride of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God?” (Roman Pontifical, n. 17). It’ll be hard to top this marriage proposal. 😉
More beautiful and perceptive than ever! Thank you!
This was very moving to me. Thank you, Uncle John.
I’m so glad, Mary, you are very welcome!
Hello, John—for me this reflection was quite moving because for the past couple of years this is the state I have found myself in: “She tends to discover first just how different she and he are in how they think, feel, and approach life. Isolation and loneliness, and at times a profound fear can first rear its head in her.” Since you can only address so much in this short format, I would be very interested to hear where you think a woman can go from this place.
From having been in this same position myself for many years, I learned that TRUE love was expected from me when the signs of love from my spouse had greatly diminished and we started being in conflict over many things. I had to learn to love purely, with little return, simply because I had decided to love this man, my husband, through times of mutual love and times of famine, through times of consolation and times of desolation. Love is purified and turned to pure gold when we learn to lean on the Heart of Christ for the love our husband seems to be unable to give, or for the understanding and empathy we so badly need. In learning to lean into the Heart of Christ for love, we learn what true love really is and we are faced with a decision: will I love my spouse like Christ loves me – freely, with no hands up to protect my heart; completely, even when we are wounded by the one we love and exhausted from pain; blindly, even when we see the glaring faults of our beloved; and finally, joyfully, even when we are in sorrow because of the need for more love from our spouse and drained of all feeling ourselves. The fire of Love that comes from the Heart of Christ gives ardor and strength to our femine hearts, that by nature seek visible and tangible signs of love, and we are strengthened to love in the dark night of the marriage in the same manner we are called to love Christ in the dark night of the soul. In both cases, if we are faithful to our calling to love, love will triumph and burst out in full joy in the marriage, but it takes much patience and endurance. Through this time, though, we are purified of selfishness and made beautiful in the dignity of a woman who loves purely and heroically, and the angels rejoice at our transformation and in the knowledge that no man of good will can resist such beauty! Praying for you, Amelia! Take heart and be courageous and fight for love! And thank God for your husband’s lack because by it you will be transformed into a true lover!
Viva,
Wow, that last line!
Thank you for your witness to me today. I gained strength and perseverance from your words!
Amelia, Thank you very much for asking. First of all, I think that what Viva has to say to you above is profound and comes from the amazing school of experience. I will share a thought too. One blessing of being already married (vs dating or engaged) is that the decision has been made; now we are permanently committed, so we know that barring something very dramatic, there is only one thing to do: keep trying to move forward. This can sometimes seem very dark. It is so different from what we expected or hoped for. But this much at least is always true: the reality and power of marriage–especially as a sacrament– is much more profound than we realize. Simply being faithful to it–being faithful to him, and to Him–will bear much fruit. Sometimes things will get better. We are surprised that the clouds break, eyes and hearts are opened, and the relationship grows, now having a depth and maturity previously unconceived. This really does happen. But sometimes it doesn’t happen. Yet this much we know: YOUR fidelity will always bear fruit. For yourself, for him, and for them. Your faith, hope, and love will grow, even and perhaps especially in the crucible. And remember, you are not alone; you are never alone.
These are great insights on women! I really enjoyed your writing on this topic and the quotes used.