Sleep deprivation is recognized as a form of torture, with good reason. Being kept up at night or inability to sleep is often a serious suffering. Yet being kept up, sometimes in the form of choosing to stay up, is a part of parenting.
The arrival of a newborn in a home brings sleeplessness in some degree—sometimes a high one. Usually this falls first and hardest on the mother. Yet this very fact offers a husband the opportunity to consider an important question, namely, to what extent he will choose to take sleeplessness as a normal part of being a father.
Here can be one of the earliest indications to a husband of a truth that usually comes more naturally to a wife: that raising children will demand much, often daily, in very concrete ways. One great drama in married life is whether a husband has the eyes to see this as a cue, a call, to step in and share intimately in addressing the daily, bodily demands. Indeed, it seems a part of the plan—one that can be missed—that here the husband should see the situation and then choose to make significant aspects of these burdens his own.
Staying up with sleepless, hungry, or sick children is only the first and most obvious instance. The more serious instances of sleeplessness might come later, as children grow into young adults. The author of the Book of Sirach writes, “A daughter keeps her father secretly wakeful, and worry over her robs him of sleep.” (42:9) Lest we think it’s only daughters, we find in the same book, “Discipline your son and take pains with him, that you may not be offended by his shamelessness.” (30:13)
Here we have occasion to reflect on the intense demands of parenting older children (we can say ‘teenagers,’ but also include the years just before the teens, and then in a different way those just after the teens). While it is oft noted and indeed proverbial that teenagers can be difficult, we too seldom focus on what this should mean for parents—beyond handwringing and general worry.
I think the words ‘secretly wakeful’ are telling. They evoke an image of a man who not only worries, but who acts on it. He is wakeful, and indeed, he chooses to stay up. He watches; he looks out; he gives direction; and he intervenes, when appropriate. And he prays, which is always appropriate. All this, sometimes, in the middle of the night; because circumstances demand it. Nay more: the good of his beloved little girl demands it. Even when it seems there is nothing he can do.
All his best efforts might not have the fruits he so wants, or not in the time he wants. But he watches still. He hopes and he trusts. Most of all he loves. And all this he does with his wife, and also for his wife; even while he makes sure that, this time at least, she gets to sleep. Because the Lord knows she needs it.
To be a father is a wondrous and terrifying thing. Somehow it seems that mothering comes more naturally to a woman, which is not to imply that it is easier for her! On the contrary, I think that many times a wife and mother is surprised, and so must suffer, because certain things seem slow in coming to a man’s realization about what their children need from him.
But he can come to see, often with and through her gentle assistance. God grant that we do. And that we realize that foregoing sleep is sometimes part of the gift: the gift that is given to us in parenting, and the gift we give to our dear children. Whom the Lord knows need it. ~ ~ ~
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Please pray for me. I am parenting a young teen with Asperger’s who is suffering from a worsening self-image, and much anger, anxiety and self-hatred. Please pray for me to have prudence, and the other virtues, and for Mother Mary to be close to us, and for him to call out to her. I just feel so helpless as to what to do. Thank you.
EC, Please be assured of our prayers! Thank you for giving us the opportunity to join you in prayer.
In such an agonizing situation, I know that words tend to fail. But it is always a great consolation to meditate on how our Heavenly Father is the true father of each of our children; and He knows them better and cares more for them than we do. He will not cease or fail to be present as Father.
I, too, am a parent of autistic children. Try giving your son this prayer (or part of it):
The Litany of Trust (by the Sisters of Life http://www.sistersoflife.org)
From the belief that I have to earn Your love – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that I am unlovable – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the false security that I have what it takes – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute – Deliver me, Jesus.
From all suspicion of Your words and promises – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You – Deliver me, Jesus.
From refusals and reluctance in accepting Your will – Deliver me, Jesus.
From anxiety about the future – Deliver me, Jesus.
From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past – Deliver me, Jesus.
From restless self-seeking in the present moment – Deliver me, Jesus.
From disbelief in Your love and presence – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being asked to give more than I have – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the belief that my life has no meaning or worth – Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of what love demands – Deliver me, Jesus.
From discouragement – Deliver me, Jesus.
That You are continually holding me, sustaining me, loving me – Jesus, I trust in You.
That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings and transforms me – Jesus, I trust in You.
That not knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You are with me in my suffering – Jesus, I trust in You.
That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and the next – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You will not leave me orphan, that You are present in Your Church – Jesus, I trust in You.
That Your plan is better than anything else – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You always hear me and in Your goodness always respond to me – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked – Jesus, I trust in You.
That my life is a gift – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You will teach me to trust You – Jesus, I trust in You.
That You are my Lord and my God – Jesus, I trust in You.
That I am Your beloved one – Jesus, I trust in You.
That you will hear my prayers (mention your intentions here) – Jesus I trust in you.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Thank you, E.C.!
John, thank you for another good reflection. I was amused to read this because just recently I was reflecting on what specific things a man can do to prepare well for marriage. Although preparations in this area can only go so far, I have learned that practice helps to ease the pain associated with forgoing things when necessary. One thing that came to mind was the going without sleep. How does one practice this in a meaningful way?
A man can learn domestic tasks as a means of taking care of his own needs before he is married, but how does one prepare to sacrifice even sleep without a child or a wife to serve? What else is expected of a man that comes as a shock to those who are perhaps less prepared than would be desired?
Would love to hear your advice.
Great issues, Jedidiah; thanks for asking. A couple of things come to mind: getting up to pray in the middle of the night would be both worthwhile in itself and good practice. It’s great when something that is worth doing anyway can double as good practice. Of course another great area to practice is discipline in the area of food, which doubles also as a great means to develop chastity. The wise have always seen a wonderful connection between discipline in food and discipline in sexuality.