In Reclaiming Conversation Sherry Turkle offers a remarkably important and practical insight: we need to cultivate a “capacity for solitude.” Its profound significance is apparent in a simple assertion that says much about all of us, not just young people: “If we are unable to be alone, we will be more lonely.”
Turkle offers this insight in the context of addressing something we know to be true: our devices have trained us to avoid times of boredom or solitude by “making [them] go away by searching for something—sometimes anything—on our phones.” Everyone is implicated. We do well to reckon honestly with the serious implications of this phenomenon in our life.
She suggests that at these key moments of boredom, or the many little pauses in action in our day, rather than going into our devices we should go “within ourselves. To do this, we have to cultivate the self as a resource. Beginning with the capacity for solitude.” This of course makes much sense, but it is easier said than done. Fortunately, Turkle follows with a point that I come back to frequently, especially when thinking about how to spend time with those I love most. She writes:
Children develop the capacity for solitude in the presence of an attentive other. Consider the silences that fall when you take a young boy on a quiet walk in nature. The child comes to feel increasingly aware of what it is to be alone in nature, supported by being ‘with’ someone who is introducing him to this experience… So, we practice being ‘alone with’—and, if successful, end up with a self peopled by those who have mattered most.
This makes my heart thrill. So simple, so profound, so practical. And it is right there within our reach. We need to go for more walks in the woods (or anyplace beautiful, and peaceful), especially by twos or threes.
What Turkle has done for me is capture the ‘why’ behind the practice. So now I have more focus, clarity and intentionality about going for such walks, or any similar activities. I realize that in these activities I can cultivate—especially if I explicitly set my sites on it—the irreplaceably important capacity for solitude, in myself and others.
A final prompt from Turkle puts a wonderfully fine point on it: “If we care about solitude, we have to communicate this to our children. They are not going to pick it up on their own.”
And frankly, perhaps too many of us adults are not picking it up on our own. But Turkle’s words will ring in my ears, and I will reflect and savor the beauty and richness of the reality of achieving “a self peopled by those who have mattered most!” ~ ~ ~
LATEST PODCAST CLIMBING THE MOUNTAIN OF SOLITUDE : Somehow, solitude is a key to finding the communion with others for which we all long. Sofia and I discuss the meaning and implications of this daunting and beautiful truth (with the help of Cardinal Sarah, Sherry Turkle, and others). Find all our podcasts HERE.
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Thanks John a great reminder to put away the cellphone and enjoy being with ourselves, our loved ones, and with our Heavenly Father. Cell phones make us lazy and unwilling to communicate with others live and in person.
Thank you, Rick. This is certainly something we can work on together as men.
This article reminds me of a beautiful memory I have of going down the hill from our home where my grandfather was working a large bed of bearded iris of many colors, Weeding, separating the rhizomes, replanting and otherwise tending the flower garden. I would bring him a pitcher of cold water and a cup, Then I would lie in the grass near him and gaze up at the clouds in the sky, feel the breeze blowing, hear the bird songs, and watch the bees buzzing around the flowers. It was there I first learned what peace is, seasoned with love in the beauty of a summer day.
Wow. That is an amazing image; I love just picturing it. Thank you for sharing!
Most of us are tethered as we ought to be to our mortal lives and enjoyment of what life has to offer. In such circumstances it is then easier to enjoy the joy of one’s solitude and the gift that it bears as you describe when one is connected to another. Being connected allows for this proper kind solitude without which, ironically, solitude or aloneness has a more difficult time reaping such benefits. Those who have moved beyond a focus of mortal life and instead devout their entire life focus to God – Saints like Augustine and Thomas and the rest – can enjoy their solitude because their connection is to God full time. For the rest of us however, at least in terms of daily life, we remain tethered to our mortal lives where a human connection then allows for a better enjoyment of solitude.
Thank you, Bob. On reading your words I find myself musing: I hope that even as we strive to become more like the saints in their focus on God, we also become even more capable of living out our various human connections.
This is another profound message among the many you are so kind to share, Dr. Cuddeback! As I have gotten older, there is a sense I am developing about what tendencies I have that may have come from a parent, a sibling, or another significant person in my life. Some tendencies are no surprise, in fact I may have TRIED to cultivate this or that in myself. Other habits just seem to ‘exist’ without explanation until one day they are mirrored in someone else from the past, and it clicks. I really like that line about ‘having a self peopled by those who matter most’ because its so true! We don’t take on practices or imitate someone if we don’t care to be like them. We seek to imitate those persons whom we would like to become!
Amen, Jedidiah. Your reflection here causes me to appreciate it all the more. What an astounding Providence is at work in these matters.
I read Sherry Turkle’s book “Reclaiming Conversation” years ago when it came out and was mightily impressed. Ten years later it’s still worth getting and reading. I have not thought about her book for awhile, but your post prompts me to look at it again.
I too, Tom!
Solitude quiets us so we can hear Him, hear others. I’ve found great peace and understanding that way. Some of the best communication is non-verbal. A wonderful posting, thanks as always!
Non-verbal communication–that’s a great topic to think more about. Thanks.