“But love… adds a precious seeing to the eye…” Shakespeare
“Where there is love, there is vision.” Thomas Aquinas
We humans are made to see. We are also made to be seen. I think that often what really hurts us in our relationships is that we do not feel understood.
Seeing reality takes much cultivation, and likewise if we are really to be seen by others much is required—both on their part and on ours.
There is something scary about this dependence on others. What if they just cannot or will not see us? Herein is part of the mystery of being made for relationship, in which there is always an element of free gift.
Central in this mystery is the role of love, and how it empowers vision. Shakespeare and Thomas Aquinas both point to this amazing reality. Love brings into focus what is really there. It alone unveils the true beauty of a person.
Have we not experienced this—perhaps from both sides? The mother, the father, the spouse, the true friend: when they really love well, they look with an appreciative eye. They perceive who the other is, and who he can be. And behold, they are now able also to give the beloved a vision of himself, and the very confidence to be himself, and to become himself! So love gives vision to lover and to beloved, through the lover.
Especially in painful interactions with those closest to us, are we not often yearning simply to be seen? If someone could just understand—with a gentle and forgiving eye, then we would not be alone anymore. We would be together. In knowledge, and in love.
But again, is this in my power to bring about? Most directly in my power is the quality of my own love. I can focus on learning and practicing to love better and to see better, and so be life-giving to others. And behold, by an unalterable law I thereby become more lovable—in a sense calling forth, though never demanding or assuring, the love of my beloved. And so also his vision.
Here once again love has given vision: first in the lover for the beloved, then in the beloved for himself, and now—perhaps!—in the beloved for the lover, through a return of love. And finally, this gives a greater vision in the original lover for himself, through the eyes of the beloved.
A ‘precious seeing’ indeed! Is this not human life itself? It all begins in love—a love we first learn to receive, and then we learn to give, and receive back. And to live-in together.
Image: Caravaggio, Portrait of a Knight of Malta
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It helps to have the skill of showing understanding/empathy
I completely agree, Bill. I think that love is the taproot of understanding and empathy. It should inspire us to practice showing empathy–something we certainly need to practice.
John, I loved this quote of Shakespeare partnered with Aquinas!
I am a librarian in a little school and would like to use this partnering on a bulletin board!
Can you give me the exact place I would find those quotes?
Also, the image you used was breathtaking!
Thank you for the reminder of this wisdom!
Hi Diane, The Shakespeare quotation is from Love’s Labours Lost, Act IV scene 3.
Josef Pieper quotes the St. Thomas Aquinas line (in Latin: Ubi amor, ibi oculus) to Commentary on the Sentences 3 d. 35, I, 21, adding that it originate with Richard of St. Victor.
Thanks for asking!
What a beauteous meditation, Dr. C. Thank you so much! The rippling outwards of love can change the world, one person at a time, then. Might the Master have been touching partly on that idea when He described the streams of living water that shall flow from within (Jn. 7:38)?
That is a beautiful thought, Maria!
Thank you for this posting, Dr. Cuddeback. The whole world needs to read and understand the truths in this article!
You have called to mind advice I read *somewhere
–sorry I can’t give a source* that in marriage and families, we need to encourage each other in ways that strengthen a person’s understanding of their own reality, such as when a wife praises a husband for his manly virtues, or a parent praises a child for his or her virtues.
Sadly, today, many follow the wrong thinking that one can change what is actually real. And this goes against the truth you, Dr. Cuddeback, pointed out in your article. To use an extreme, I thought of how a parent might try to dress a child as if he or she is of the opposite sex. This is not loving, and the tip-off is that it goes against what is real and actual. The parent here doesn’t ‘see’ the child for who he or she is. The parent is not seeing with the eyes of love. Today, though, many think that in tolerating what is unreal, they are showing love. This is a huge mistake. And this is why it’s so important to respect the truth in every aspect of our lives. Doing so allows us to truly live; to live more fully and to see and appreciate what is real. Thanks be to God, Who gives us the truth!
Thank you!
Thank you, Mary. I often think about this point when reflecting on friendship: true friendship always calls us to live in the truth–we need to be realistic about who we are, where we stand, and how we need to grow: realistic about ourselves and about one another.
Be held in the eye of the be holder.
+++
See Par. 7 above : “I can focus on learning and practicing to love better and to see better, and so be life-giving to others.”
I like this.
Your passage holds some whisper and breath of the beatific!
What do you suggest to achieve more constancy? I seem only to see and love this way as a grace and fleetingly. Though as I write this I realize love is an act of a free will so perhaps therein I turn to the answer.
Great question, Malia. This much is sure: to keep choosing to love is foundational. At the same time, grace empowers us to love with God’s own love; and so prayer is thus essential. One more thought: we can dispose ourselves in various ways to grow in love. One way was recently pointed out to me: we can focus on opening our hearts to see and receive the love the other person is offering to us. This can change and soften our hearts, expanding our capacity to love.
This is beautiful and true! Thank you for writing this! It helps me to identify my true friendships, where my friend loves me and sees me as good and helps me to flourish.
Catherine, I completely agree: this beautiful principle does indeed help us to be more discerning about our friendships, and to whom we can reasonably entrust our hearts.
“…and so prayer is thus essential” Yes! How can I hope to start this beautiful cycle of being lover and beloved in my young family? With my husband and small children?
I cannot. Not alone. I tried, and failed, because I cannot give what I do not have. I have to go to the Source in prayer to fill my empty cup. Only when I allow myself to be His beloved, can I then be lover to my husband and children, filling their cups.
And now I picture us all around the table pouring water from cup to cup, back and forth, from parents to kids, from kids to parents, from sisters to brother, spilling as we go (because our love is not perfect). And when we run low, we go back to the Source.
Increasing my daily prayer has shown me just how much more I need it. ALL THE TIME! Every moment I am with my Beloved is a moment that I am seeing souls as He sees souls. And so prayer becomes not just an event of the day, but an “attitude of life” as the Carmelites say.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder. It is needed at all times, but especially in this time when many feel isolated, alone, and unseen.
God Bless,
Jennifer
Jennifer, Your words are profound and to the point. Scripture says it all: “We love, because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 There is no love unless there is first God’s completely gratuitous and generous love. We must always go back to it as the source. We must learn to receive it. And make it active in our lives. Thank you.