“Yet even in these nobility shines through, when a man bears with resignation many great misfortunes, not through insensibility to pain but through nobility and greatness of soul.”
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics
My youngest son is doing very well today. Two weeks ago while we were on vacation he was struck by a car. We are very blessed that the only enduring bodily injury he sustained was a broken leg.
I think that what I will most remember is the look on his face in the minutes after it happened. And the look on his mother’s face.
The whole experience was one that a parent dreads. Many parents have endured similar, or dramatically worse things. It makes one think on the broader issue of suffering, and particularly of the suffering of children.
Most everyone must deal at some point with the reality of a loved one’s suffering, and the dramatic feeling of one’s helplessness in doing something about it. This can happen in a unique way for parents and their children.
How does a child deal with suffering? And how do parents and loved ones help a child to do so? How do parents themselves deal with it?
Such questions, along with the reality of any suffering, call for careful reflection.
It has puzzled me how the great ancient philosophers seem to have very little to say about suffering–or in any case suffering that is not the result of one’s own bad choices. At risk of over-simplifying I think that this much is true: men like Aristotle simply took it for granted. Many aspects of human life are subject to the vicissitudes of fortune, and so humans will always suffer in this world.
What is particularly remarkable to me, and worthy of special note, is that the reality of suffering did not shake their fundamental confidence in two things. First, the cosmos is wonderfully designed, and the fundamental order in it is profoundly beneficent. And second, to the extent that one has good character, to that extent one can thrive and have true happiness in any and all circumstances.
But I must not sugar-coat this viewpoint. As far as I can tell, Aristotle’s view of suffering focused on how the nobility of virtue can shine through it in a special way. And while he surely would have observed that suffering can have the effect of strengthening the character of a person, I see no indication that he saw suffering as part of a specific plan for the well-being of human persons. Including children.
How we understand suffering, and even more, how we choose to endure it or not, might be the most significant and telling of human dramas. It reveals, perhaps more than anything else, our fundamental convictions about reality, and the ultimate meaning of human life. It places us at the very edge of what human reason can understand. And it can call for—perhaps most of all in the suffering of children—a faith that transcends the light of reason and the natural powers of the human soul.
At risk of sounding cavalier, there is one more thing that especially strikes me. There are others that know this from experience much better than I do. Suffering—again, perhaps especially the suffering of children—when entered into together by all those touched by it, can unite people in personal bonds that are simply incomparable. Never to be broken.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), student of Plato, tutor of Alexander the Great, has been considered by many to be the greatest ancient philosopher. The Nicomachean Ethics is his major ethical work.
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
John,
So happy to hear that your son is doing well! Since God is outside time, I’m a big believer in praying for the past (not that the present doesn’t hold enough to pray about, but sometimes this can keep one from fretting over the future!) – so your intentions, your family’s well-being, and our gratitude for the happy outcome here are all included in the novena we’re doing at Miss Marcel’s Musings. God bless you and keep your family safe! with love from Suzie
Suzie,
Thank you very much for your generosity. This is deeply appreciated. We all send our gratitude and best wishes!
Mr. Cuddeback and Family,
I’ve been following your blog for some time now, and felt moved to comment on this most recent post of yours.
I am deeply sorry to hear of your son’s accident. I can well imagine how frightening it must have been for all involved.
My husband and I have 8 children, and 2 of them have Type 1 Diabetes. They require several blood sugar checks (lancing their tender skin with a fine needle) and insulin shots daily (we haven’t gone to pumps – yet), counting carbohydrates and calculating insulin doses. When they were first diagnosed (each of them at the tender age of 2) it was so difficult. The first one required a 5 day hospital stay to stabilize blood sugars – and for staff to teach us how to care for the diabetes. (At the time, I had a 3 month old exclusively breastfed baby. Fortunately, the hospital permitted my baby and I to room with my daughter. I think this might explain why these 2 girls are so close, even 15 years later!) The second one – as we already knew how to manage diabetes, and caught it a bit sooner – only required 2 days in the hospital. I remember, though, the heaviness I felt even then. A dear gentleman (the activities director) showed my son Elijah and I to a rooftop garden the hospital had. I recall watching this dear 2 year-old boy riding on a plasma car along a painted road, not a care in the world. I cannot tell you how in the midst of knowing what this diagnosis portended for him, my heart soared wildly with joy at the sight of this carefree little boy, gliding along. I also recall it was the Feast of St. John the Baptist, and calling to mind the Scripture, “More of Him, less of me.”
Our second son went over the handlebars of his bike, and punctured his small intestine, requiring emergency surgery. This required a several day hospital stay, for healing and to make sure all organs were functioning properly. One day, while in the hospital, there was a lapse in the time that either my husband or I were there, and Seth woke up and had a panic attack, demanding to know where his dad was, pulling out IV’s in the process. I arrived shortly after, as the hospital staff briefed me on what had happened. Fortunately he was ‘okay’, but I felt just awful as a mom for not having been there.
Thanks for ‘listening’ to my stories. I just wanted you and your wife (and all parents) to know you were not alone. It is so difficult to see your children suffer (almost worse than if you were the one suffering) because one does feel so helpless. I know, though, that God’s grace is especially present then, as I’m sure it was (and is) for your family.
Prayers for much healing for all.
Melisa
Dear Melisa,
What an amazing narrative. It is deeply heartening to me to hear it. Your love as a suffering mother is palpable in your retelling these things. My heart skipped when you mentioned the bike accident. Indeed you are so right; none of us are alone, and somehow that becomes all the more clear through suffering like this, doesn’t it? I thank you sincerely for your prayers, and please be assured of mine for you, your husband, and all your dear children. (By the way, I think there is nothing so sweet as sisters that have such a special bond.) Gratefully yours.
Thank you Dr. Cuddeback for an article that expresses the meaning of suffering with our children. The suffering our children go through is not always physical as is the case with your son. Glad to hear he is recovering.
Trusting God that “all things work together for good to those who love the Lord,” is not always easy when our adult children make decisions which we know from experience will cause pain and hardship in their lives.
It basically amounts to our detaching with love and being there for them when they fall.
The Webcast on ICC tonight on marriage is where I learned of your web page. Msgr. Pope expressed that God does supply the Grace to go through anything if we but open ourselves to His Love and let Him do in us that which we cannot do for ourselves…..-I can attest to this having now been married 31 year.
I do admit though it is hard letting go to let your kids make mistakes.
Mr. Williams,
Thank you very much for your thoughts here. It was a pleasure to join you on that webcast. Your experience as a parent is very much to the point. I appreciate your encouragement very much.
I just read this post today after having read the Gospel for today’s mass: “Do not worry…” My mother often told me I was born with a furrowed brow, worried from day one. I don’t know how people can live without the eye on the eternal. I’m sorry for what you and your wife had to experience and that your son had to deal with such trauma and pain. I’m so thankful to God that your son is going to recover ( thank you Angel Guardian!) and that you as a family have experienced the graces that come with suffering together relying on the Holy Spirit and His promised help. My prayer alongside yours is that as your son’s precious bones continue to heal and strengthen, so too all of us spiritually in communion with you! May the rest of your summer be peaceful and truly recreational!!
Sam, These are very generous and healing words. My wife and I deeply appreciate your sympathy, and your heartfelt prayer. We offer our gratitude, and please be assured of our prayers for you and your intentions. Thank you again.