“Certainly the same benefits are not received by each from the other, nor should they be sought.”
“One must, too, acquire some experience of the other person and become familiar with him, and that is very hard.”
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics
All joking aside, relating to the people we are closest to in life is often the hardest part of life. At the center of the difficulty is the challenge really to understand one another.
And there is special difficulty in coming to know each other when there are differences of nature and experience between us—as there always will be between any man and woman.
Maybe I’m slow, but it has taken me years to begin to see this. The fact is that we usually come to understand others through a comparison to our own experience and inner life. A sensitive, perceptive person is good at ‘putting himself in the other’s shoes’ and seeing things through the other’s eyes. We do this first of all by making a point of thinking, “surely this is what the other is going through right now,” using our own experience as the angle for interpretation.
But then we sometimes we run into a wall. “What on earth is she thinking right now?” “How can this be happening?” The implicit premise, even if we don’t realize it, is this: “I cannot see any reasonable account for what she is thinking.” And of course, this judgment is based on our own experience.
Aristotle brought this to light for me. I found it interesting that he keeps insisting on how long it takes really to get to know someone, and this especially when there are basic differences between the people—as is always the case between men and women.
It may sound silly, but my life changed materially when I finally began to realize—“John, there is much here that you have not yet understood.” I had been assuming I knew more than I did, which can be death-dealing to relationships. In any case, it can lead to the profound suffering of a division of minds, and of hearts, and sometimes, to a seemingly unbearable isolation.
How many times have I thought: what’s wrong with her? when in reality there was no question of right or wrong, but just of misunderstanding. Or, sometimes the better question actually was: what’s wrong with me?
The ‘solution’ to this issue is of course not easy, but when it comes to men and women, especially in the marital context, I think we can say this. The natural differences between men and women are profound. And there is a very good reason for them.
There is always a reason for what is of nature. It is always a gift. It is ours to discover.
Yes, there is more at play in our problems and disagreements than simply this natural difference. We surely each have problems and issues all our own, which can be uncovered, and addressed, or just lived-with.
But we also need to know our natural difference, and the difference it makes. This is a key aspect of relating to one another as the unique persons we are.
We might not get much help today in thinking about this. Yet we surely can become more aware of our natural difference, and we can live in confidence that is a profound gift, to each and every one of us.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), student of Plato, tutor of Alexander the Great, has been considered by many to be the greatest ancient philosopher. The Nicomachean Ethics is his major ethical work.
Stress and Its Causes Mini-Series
II: Stress: The Lack of Presence in Our Lives
IV: Stress: News as a Backdrop for Life
V: The Stress of Relating to Our Spouse, or Anyone Else of the Other Sex
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obviously you and your wife came to loggerheads on something…would like to hear her thoughts on this…
I would too. I’ll see what I can do…
As I read your post, I though “Ugh, he’s got me pegged. I sooo need to remember this”. And that thought follows with a thought about the energy required to put it into action, impacted by the level of stress in a variety of arenas and the fact that I may be trying to balance too many things, I may be beyond capacity and so not doing anything REALLY well.
To me this touches on the mindfulness that you have addressed in some of your writing. There are times I experience harmony in relationship that can slip into a space of automaticity. I begin to operate on autopilot; at that moment I stop listening. Autopilot works okay when the road is straight and the weather fair and frees up cognitive resources for other tasks, but it is hazardous to maintain for very long at all. Attentiveness to connection and bringing a renewed focus to clarifying, questioning, and the ongoing knowing of each other is how we bring ourselves into harmony. It’s interesting to think that achieving harmony requires an attentive ear ear and a voice. I think this process creates space where our natural complementarity can to lead synergy. A good greater than its parts. In this way, stress is not always negative, but it does always take energy.
Wow, Malia. Once again this comment raises so many things. I love your point about autopilot and our need to be constantly vigilant. Your point about complementarity goes right to the heart of the matter. There is indeed a good greater than the sum of the parts, and this becomes all the more apparent when we are willing to endure the stress, and be faithful to one another and to God’s design.
“…For He brought things into being in order that His goodness might be communicated to creatures, and be represented by them; and because His goodness could not be adequately represented by one creature alone, He produced many and diverse creatures, that what was wanting to one in the representation of the divine goodness might be supplied by another….” – St. Thomas Aquinas, STh I, 47
Very much to the point indeed!
I just started reading a book called “I Hear You” about improving all of your relationships by truly hearing and understanding what a person is saying and feeling. Do you believe that there is a natural difference in the way men and women express the truth of what is in their heart? And how should spouses best approach these differences?
Alicia,
What a great issue to raise. I absolutely do think there is a difference of expression between men and women. For instance, though at times people joke about it, I think it is very important for men to learn to listen and sympathize with what a woman is sharing before trying to ‘solve the problem.’ This points, I believe, to the difference that women often seek to communicate things just for the sake of communicating and sharing–which is a very positive characteristic–whereas men do not so readily do so. As regards this, and any other natural difference, each side needs to begin by first simply recognizing the difference and thus being intentional about understanding where the other is coming from. I really do believe that half the battle is realizing that we have to stretch ourselves to accommodate the other’s way of acting.
I’d be interested to hear more about the book you are reading. Thanks for the comment.
there’s a video (probably on youtube) called “it’s not about the nail.” It’s a humorous look at what you’ve writter. I’ve seen it play out in my marriage (and my parents’ and my in laws’ marriages) many times!
Thanks Sonrie. I must admit; that is absolutely hilarious.
At risk of sounding like I can’t just accept a good laugh, I’m going to offer a critique.
Here is in my mind the drawback of this video: the humor is completely at the expense of the female side. I completely grant that we should all be able to laugh about the troubles we have in communicating. At the same time, the nail video seems simply to poke at the woman’s need for empathy–as though it is completely irrational, and it could play into the a man’s temptation to think that her higher need for empathy–without the man always ‘solving the problem’–is an irrational need. And of course, it is not irrational need. Indeed, men are often all too quick to move past the empathy, dismissing the wife’s need as ‘a bit much.’
Just a thought. Please don’t take this as an attack; I really do appreciate your sharing this.
John, I really appreciate your critique. It is, of course, a parody of what happens a lot in life, but, like you’ve said, each partner has the responsibility of being aware of their own needs, as well as being aware of their partner’s needs and it can be a dance for each person to know when you shift from one to another; I.e., in this case, going from the need for empathy (her need and his attention to her) to making suggestions to solve the problem (his need and her allowance of letting that happen).