Educating or forming the young is arduous in any time or place. But given our social nature, human formation is especially difficult in a decadent society. Since education is preparation to be a good member of the community, what happens when society itself is inimical to the true goodness of its members? Today, this poses even more difficulty than meets the eye for parents and children alike.
The obvious aspect of the problem is how practices that embody negative values and undermine true happiness deeply influence young people (and adults!), regardless of our best efforts. To name just a few examples, there is the pervasive presence of social media, disordered music, and banal if not noxious ‘games’ and entertainment; and there is the loss of civility and manners as well as of ordinary, wholesome pastimes.
But apart from such momentous challenges to formation, there is the less-noticed problem of how can a well-turned-out person integrate into the broader community. In other words, assuming for a moment that we can form our young to be ‘different,’ we must also reckon with something else—that being different is itself a kind of problem!
What has come clear in my own parenting life is that I was not sufficiently aware (among other things!) of what our parenting would demand of our children, precisely to the extent that we succeeded. Thomas Aquinas wrote that “it is natural for man, more than for any other animal, to be a social and political animal living in a group.” This is a dramatic statement; it is even more natural for us than for bees to live in community. Implications are many. We can focus on one.
Real community calls for and thrives to the extent that there is a shared vision and practice of the good life. Thus to be significantly different from others carries with it a sense of isolation that can be truly punishing—even though the difference itself is one of being ‘good.’ In my experience, the most principled and intentional parents and educators, in their focus on what they want for the young, can lose sight of this reality.
But what would they do differently if they kept this reality in mind? I suggest two main things. First, it will make a difference in the details of the direction they give to the young. Distinguishing between essential and non-essential things to foster, they will not compromise in the former. Being honest and chaste, for instance, are always and everywhere desirable, regardless of how isolating. In the non-essential, however, they will deliberate about what would be just too much to ask—or too great a difference to foster.
For instance, concrete practices desirable in themselves might be forgone in view of current circumstances; an example might be not demanding the use of ‘Yes, sir’ and ‘No, sir.’ (in place of which we might just demand a clearly audible and respectful ‘yes’ or ‘no.’) Another area of compromise will probably be allowing the use of certain technologies, in view of interacting with peers and others, at a time earlier than would have been ideal. Such decisions call for careful and prayerful consideration. They might even be excruciating.
The second aspect of how a parent or educator can respond to this situation is, in my mind, the more important. Here I will simply go autobiographical. I wish I had been more present to my children’s suffering. [full stop] Being focused on principles need not and should not blind us to what these principles demand of real people. It is already hard for them that we ask them to be different. May we never make them feel there is something wrong with them that they find it difficult.
Part of the challenge is that, perhaps understandably, in admonishing our children we can find ourselves saying (even yelling?) things like, “Yes, I know that almost none of your friends do these things!” or, “Last time I checked what your peers do is not the standard around here!” Often, we are bucking ourselves up to remain strong in our own convictions. And again, in the essential things, and also even in some non-essential but really important ones, may we stay strong.
But may this also be an opportunity for us really to see our children. After all, this is all about them. And further, as usual, the trials and difficulties offer us an opportunity to grow in relationship, if we but stop and notice and choose.
“Son, I understand this is very difficult; believe me, I understand. If I could make it easier for you, oh I surely would. I am with you. You feel alone. I feel it with you. Do not be afraid. In this, we can be together.” ~ ~ ~
TODAY’S PODCAST GOES MORE IN DEPTH: WHAT HAPPENS TO CHILDREN RAISED TO BE DIFFERENT. In this episode Sofia and I discuss how the challenge of being different calls both for a careful examination of what we ask of our children as well as a readiness to understand and enter their suffering. These principles apply also to anyone striving for a truly human life today. Check out all our podcasts HERE.
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
I remember my mother commenting WAY back that she particularly raised us to be different – and that was in the 50s and 60s! I did the same with my children and they now with theirs. It’s gotten increasingly more challenging with each generation and you are so right about setting non-negotiables and those areas in which we may allow some leeway. I just hope that leeway is within the allowable elasticity of the standard. It’s hard today! Varying personalities deal VERY differently from others on being “different” so the rules you set for one child may not be the same as for another. Parenting is not for the weak!
So true, Katy. For some children it is not as difficult to be ‘different;’ but even there we have to be careful to keep a close eye, because sometimes there is more going on in the child than appears on the surface.
A really great post – thank you. If we parents could just be “wise as serpents, simple as doves,” in meeting the great challenges before us! I’m sure that with grace this is possible!
Amen! With grace, indeed.
I don’t have instagram, and I’m not on Facebook. Can I receive your weekly reflection to my inbox? I can’t find a place here to do that.
Absolutely: Here is the email signup.
Our kids grew up with no TV in our home. Only once did the oldest actually voice to us his distress at being “left out.” He was about 11 at the time and said he didn’t know what other kids were talking about. Apparently, he developed a strategy to listen for a while and then just imitate more or less what everyone else said.
Rightly or wrongly, my husband and I were completely unsympathetic as I recall.
After that it seems all three kids simply told friends that we had no TV.
This brings to mind something I didn’t comment on in the piece. We can help our children with strategies for how to cope with being different, including sometimes having them face it and announce it head-on. Thanks Amy.
John,
I am a father of six in my late 30s. Thank you for this wonderful reflection. We seek out other families who also value raising their children ‘different’ but recognize that this strategy is not sufficient or comprehensive in itself. There is a fine line our children walk between engagement with the broader community and appropriating its values. It will be good for my wife and I to maintain perspective on the essential and non-essential things, and clearly mark the former as those worth the price of isolation and suffering.
We desire to be a gentle and reassuring hand on their shoulder but so often fail and resort to becoming the authoritative hammer. In this we risk bending the nail. I will take to heart your last paragraph and recognize that we are on a shared journey with our children, though our roles are quite different, and in doing so I hope to be more present to their suffering.
Matt, I thank you from my heart for this. It is such a consolation simply to hear of the intentionality, courage, and humility of a man like you. Let us be joined in prayer, in confidence that the Lord is providing.
Interesting to read all the comments.
Might I please add a follow-up anecdote to my comment above about our kids having no TV?
Our youngest was a 4th grader at the time and the teacher and class were talking about a basketball game of the night before. All the kids, except our son, had been watching it on TV.
The teacher asked what the final score was and the only one who knew was our son. He had been listening on the radio.
The kids knew our son didn’t have TV so his coming up with the score got a reaction!
Our youngest thought it was kind of funny, and, while he would have preferred having a TV, I feel pretty sure that the irony wasn’t lost on any of our kids.
Being raised different was not nearly as difficult as living with the consequences. But in a good way. The more I journey through life (not yet 30), I find that God often places us in the tension- in the uncomfortable- because that is where true colors show. It is attractive, indeed tempting, to escape it, but could one stand to be drugged by whatever addiction suites the fancy and be ‘just like everyone else’….? I am glad there are still people who think there ARE non-negotiables. Thank you!
And thank you, Jedidiah, for this great perspective.
John, thank you again and again for this very vulnerable reflection. It really hits home for me, because I grew up very sheltered and rather isolated. To this day, I sometimes struggle with feeling so profoundly “different”. And now that my children range from 1-14, my husband and I are wrestling with how to raise them right and simultaneously prepare them to navigate the broader community. Thank God we have a good Catholic community, which my family lacked, but as they get older they still have to integrate with the world around them. May God give us wisdom!
Well said, Dr Cuddeback, well said. This post draws a lot of comments because you touched an issue that has caused so many such struggle. My heart goes out to young parents for how difficult it must be to raise young children today.
Thank you, Tom. Yes, this issue is one that can bring us all together, especially in prayer.
It is interesting to watch the different personalities and how they adapt to the current world, yet stay connected deeply to the faith. I have noticed that children need a good amount of positive motivational things, community involvement they care about, artistic avenues encouraged – in the home – a necessary part of a rounded education, sports at home or in a group, movement, and balanced parental involvement. Fathers who are there often, playing and bonding. Mothers and fathers who aren’t overworked and exhausted. Parents who communicate well and learn the art of communication on a better and better level. A shared goal and consideration for feelings, passions and interests. Teamwork, team building, and maybe less overwork. Who takes a 3 pm nap? I would love to return to this, rest and relax as an art form.
Thank you, Christina; much worth considering in your list here.
There are now strategies, aided by ai and social media, to propagandize adult homeschoolers for example, that they were mistreated as children. How to deflect this?
Reasonable question, which is really part of a larger issue about how adults should think about the upbringing they received. It seems to me that a key principle here that all need to bear in mind is how difficult it is in the concrete circumstances of a contrary culture to determine what to do. Therefore, in retrospect we should give our parents the benefit of the doubt. More specifically regarding your question, we need to remind these people that there was much more at stake than simply ‘learning their math,’ as it were. Their parents had to consider a whole set of serious issues in determining what was best for their children. Gaps in one’s academic formation can be filled in later; it is much more difficult to salvage fundamental malformation in one’s worldview and habits.
I really appreciate the insights you shared in this article; I remember struggling with this when our oldest child was the only one without a phone at school. I wasn’t sympathetic then to her struggles, and I wish I had been. I am embarrassed to acknowledge my own lack of consideration to my children’s’ suffering at being raised to be “different,” but now I will be more aware, thanks to your writing. We chose to move from an urban environment to a rural area and that has helped, we have found more like minded families and our children are no longer surrounded by peers with opposing values, enormous wealth, and every existing technological gadget.
The ability humbly to recognize how we can do better for our children is, I think, one of the central aspects of serving them well. Thank you, Stephanie.
Thank you for your humility and honesty in sharing this! I have very small children still, but I’ve seen the beginnings of this struggle in my oldest as he’s taken on preschool. I’m hopeful that I can act on your advice as he becomes more independent and exposed more to a world beyond our home.
Thank you, Ellie, and God bless you in your efforts.
This article gets to the heart of parenting, like Christ, bearing the shared yoke of life. As you, John and others have commented, there is strength for the children when they can say, “We ‘Jones’ (family name) do it this way,” as a trusted group within the wider culture.
Amen, Cathy! God bless all the ‘Jones’ out there!