The hard conversation with a loved one comes to an impasse. A welter of feelings resolves into one overriding pain: I don’t feel seen. In the end the greatest suffering is to be, or feel, alone. And to feel unseen is the very heart of loneliness.
Josef Pieper significantly emphasized that we are ‘made to see,’ but it is just as true that we are made to be seen. Now it is more straightforward, and I think more fitting, to seek to see than to seek to be seen. Seeing is more directly in my power, though both seeing and being seen require much of me, including a willingness to receive something that cannot simply be ‘taken.’
When studying friendship I ask my students: how many people really know you? The more one considers the question the more bracing the answer. Aristotle with characteristic understatement notes that it takes a long time to get to know someone. We reasonably wonder and can reflect on this great issue: what does it take for people really to see one another. For who they are.
Aristotle distinguishes lesser relationships called ‘friendship’ from true friendship—the relationship in which is the only real answer to loneliness. Thomas Aquinas captures the key distinguishing feature in the lesser relationships: “They do not love their friend for what he is in himself but for what is incidental to him.” Key examples of what is ‘incidental’ to me is that I am ‘useful’ or ‘pleasant’ to others.
So much of the drama of human life and happiness is captured in this point. Often, indeed very often, relationships are based not so much on who someone really is but on something ‘incidental.’ What is incidental is still something true about me. This is why these aspects can ground a real relationship of some sort. The other people (i.e., my ‘friends’) do know something true about me, and presumably I know something true about them.
But again I ask, what does it take really to see a person for who he really is? And then to love him for who he is? What does it take to see beyond those true and very appealing but less important aspects of people? Words tend to fail here in conveying the seriousness of this drama. Yet to the one for whom life circumstances suddenly bring home an experience of not-being-seen-and-loved-for-who-I-am, this takes on a palpable and unforgettable seriousness.
All of us will experience this in varying degrees in our human relationships. Fortunately, this could have the fruit of our wondering, and seeking, and turning upward. Are there eyes that truly are all-seeing? Do these Eyes see me. Do they really understand me in my hidden depths; and still love me?
If by the grace of those Eyes we make such an astounding and life-changing discovery, this should not occasion our giving up or turning away from the human, sometimes all-too-human eyes in our life. Quite the contrary. Those Eyes prompt us to turn again to human eyes. Indeed, those Eyes have made their presence known to us through human eyes whose vision, though imperfect and even marred, has a part in, yeah conveys the vision of those Eyes.
How I see the persons around me is more in my power than how they see me. Maybe, when I feel unseen it is then most important that I look outward at others, that I renew my effort to see them better. Lord, that I might see. Them. Even now.
Perhaps, just perhaps, by a magic far beyond my imagining, it is then that I become more visible to others. Or, it is then I finally realize just how seen I am. Just how very not alone I am. ~ ~ ~
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At least two times a day, to begin periods of longer prayer, someone taught me to say: My Lord and my God, I firmly believe that you are here, that you see me, that you hear me…
As usual, John, you hit on the important, deep points of fruitful living…We need to connect with the person Who sees all and hears all WITH LOVE, so that we can do the same.
Before this sermon gets too long (lol) I will just say how much I benefit from all you and Sofia do at LifeCraft.
That’s a great practice!
Just beautiful, John. Thank you!
Thank you, Mary and Suzie! Mary, that is a beautiful way to begin prayer; thank you for sharing.
I love this post; it makes ME feel seen, because it echoes things of my heart that my mind is slower to catch on to. You have given me a bit of clarity here; you often do. Thank you!
I have come to believe that worship is primarily an act of relationship, of seeing and being seen. When we turn toward seeing, loving, serving another person instead of gazing into our own inner mirror, we stand on holy ground, and both the seer and the seen are blessed. God is most directly present to us in the in-betweens.
Dr. Cuddeback, you are a gift and an inspiration. Keep it coming!
I thank you, Ellen, for sharing your beautiful insight. I am so grateful that we can reflect together in this way!
Thanks
I became a Thomist in college and am fully on board with his words concerning true friendship. But being known can be a scary proposition for some people. For some, it isn’t easy to allow someone in and they may withdraw when they sense that they are known by the other despite their efforts. I once dated a truly wonderful young lady. We were friends because we could intuitively relate. But the relationship couldn’t go further because she couldn’t let herself confirm my understanding of her. Being known, I posit, includes a disposition that also reveals oneself.
Bob,That is an outstanding point. It offers yet another angle into how demanding quality relationships are. Thanks!
Excellent essay. It’s interesting… being “seen” often involves talking. When we can put ourselves in the place of our friend/loved one/acquaintance, and validate their *feelings* verbally — not necessarily agree with everything they say or concur with their reasoning, but connect with their emotions and let them know you can understand why they feel the way they do, it can help them experience a deep spiritual connection they may not get with even their supposedly closest loved ones. Just by making little comments that show you’re listening, and by summarizing their situation & their emotions (whether their feelings are positive or negative), you can help them feel very cared for and understood.
We share in their pain and their joys with statements like: “Yeah, that makes sense. You felt really betrayed when…” or “WOW! That’s so terrific! What a triumph!” Or “I get it now… you really needed to see some progress but all you got was more frustration.”
After we validate a person’s strong feelings, and in a sense stand with them and alongside them, helping them feel seen and giving a boost to their human dignity, we can introduce any divergence with their perspective if necessary… “Yep, that was really a rough time for you. How did you get through it? [Listen and validate.] Have you ever thought about it this way…?” or “I can really see how you felt torn about that situation — anyone would if they were in your shoes. I’m glad you somehow managed to figure out something to start tackling the issue! So what do you think we can we do about [related problem x]?”
This is advice I took from a great book, “ I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships,” by Michael S. Sorensen. I know people who are gifted at validation, and they are very well loved, and *not* pushovers, as some might be afraid would happen. They make good friends and true community wherever they go.
Thank you, Antonia. I think you have a great point here. One comment: it is simply worth noting that some people become good at validating, more as a tool than as really coming from the heart, and then they use it as a means to manipulate the person who has become much more open to them. That in no way invalidates your point about validation!
I think this essay relates to another great book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” by Gary Chapman. I think he’s written a few other books to show how his principles can be applied to any close relationship, such as children or good friends, or even showing colleagues appreciation in the workplace.
In his counseling practice, Chapman saw that many people really experience being loved in five or so very different ways: through 1) being served/helped with practical things, 2) words of affirmation, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch, People may overlap in a few preferences, but they tend to favor one or two of these ways most of the time.
When people receive loving acts that are outside their “love language,” they may intellectually understand that their wife/husband loves them, or that their friend cares for them, but not really **feel** their love, or feel truly “seen” by them.
This can affect many arenas of life — from what you do on a date night, or what kinds of gifts are really special to your loved one, or building up a troubled relationship, or just how to be more like Jesus in tailoring our acts of caring, love, and appreciation to the specific needs of each person.
I have definitely experienced this personally, like when my family member frequently did acts of service for me as an expression of love, which I appreciated, but I would have really liked to sit down and talk with him sometimes, and have him occasionally verbally express his love & approval of me (words of affirmation).
Likewise, after reading the book, I guessed that the love language of a close female family member was physical touch. When I started frequently tailoring birthday and Christmas gifts for her that involved things like a foot massager, relaxing bath stuff, etc., she really seemed to light up and love her gifts more than usual.
I hope this info and book can help your relationships, and help you & others truly feel “seen” and loved, by us flawed human beings, and ultimately to be opened up to the possibility of a God Who loves us so much that He wants to care for us in a special, individual, even mysterious way in Heaven — forever!
“To him who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone which no one knows except him who receives it.” -Revelation 2:17
Thank you, again, Antonia!
On being seen…
This past weekend was “Primavera” weekend at my church, where a group of us prepare, deliver, and serve a meal at our local Primavera men’s shelter. I’m not much inspired by kitchen work, but I always look forward to serving at the shelter.
As I served this past weekend, your recent post about being seen came to mind.
As we work the serving line, some of the men don’t speak or make eye contact; they just get their meal and take it to a table. Others interact with us a bit, to communicate what items they want us to add to their plate. Still others smile and interact freely, enjoying the contact just as much as the anticipation of a meal lovingly prepared for them.
I make it a point to see every one of these people as they come through our serving line. Whether they interact or not, whether they notice or not, whether they care or not, each one is seen as the image of God that he is. This, just as much as a meal lovingly prepared, is my response to God’s call to serve them.
Does this make a difference? I hope and pray and believe that it does. Those few who respond to my prayerful intention tell me that it does; not always with so many words, but with a brief nod of thanks, a smile of shared humanity and kindness, or a moment of conversation and connection between two people with very different life experiences, yet with a shared understanding that we are equal, and equally beloved.