I usually cringe at the old saying that children should be seen and not heard. For many of us it conjures an ugly image: a child who wants to be heard but is not. We all need to be heard. Indeed, life itself consists especially in speaking and being heard. Yet there is a kind of silence—a not-speaking—that is appropriate for youth.

In a striking passage in Plato’s Republic, Socrates refers to “the seemingly insignificant conventions” that had been lost in common practice. He then gives a list that could have been written today. It begins here:

When it is proper for the young to be silent in front of their elders, when they should make way for them or stand up in their presence…

Socrates gives no indication of just when the young should be silent in front of elders, and so we are left to wonder and to discern. That he says “when” seems to imply that the answer is not ‘always.’ In other words, it is not a universal rule that the young should be silent.

The next ‘conventions’ in his list about making way and standing up offer a helpful clue. The relationship of youth to elders should always be marked by reverence and respect. We do well to meditate on the importance and reasons for such reverence—especially in our age that not only lacks but undermines such reverence.

Elders should represent human life in its most mature, fulfilled form. As a rule, growing in character and wisdom takes much time, and because of this we rightly expect (or at least hope for) real human growth through age. If life goes as it should then as we age we progress in human flourishing. That this is sometimes not the case should not change our fundamental view of those advanced in age. Our reverence for elders is a reminder to them and to us of the meaning and purpose of life, and of what they and we might achieve.

But there is more. This reverence is not in a vacuum. In God’s great plan, the fact that they are ‘ahead’ of the rest of us does not simply put them on a pedestal. It calls for them to interact with us in meaningful ways, as and when possible. They are ahead so that they can be our guides. And our reverence for them is part of what makes this possible. It says to them (and to us): we look to you, we listen to you.

Youth especially (and of course this is a relative term!) should then exercise an appropriate silence precisely for the sake of opening a channel of communication. To this end, we should teach our children, as a cornerstone of manners, that they should respect elders in very concrete ways. Address them with dignified forms; look them in the eyes; be aware and attentive to their needs and desires; and especially, listen to them. When they speak, you listen. Begin with silence, so that you can listen.

A child might ask, “But why, Daddy?” Here we speak with confidence and with authority. “Because they are your elders; and so it is fitting. They are a gift to us, and this is how we become capable of receiving the gift.”

And as in all good conversation, listening is a prelude to speaking. The young too have something to say, and they need to be heard. An appropriate silence makes the space for their hearing, and then also for their speaking.

Elders need to recognize and step up to their role. In a very real sense, they were made for this. May they recognize the vital importance of their speech, and likewise of their unique place in listening… that the silence of the young but bear great fruit. ~ ~ ~

LATEST PODCAST EPISODE: WHEN a MAN ENTERS a ROOM. How do boys learn to be men? To consider one of the great life questions, we need a clear vision of what a man is, and how he should act. Sofia and I start this discussion with a simple but revealing question: what does a real man do when he enters a room?  Find and share all our podcasts HERE. And here is an earlier podcast on The MANNERS CRISIS and WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

John Cuddeback

Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.