“Marriage, if anything, is manifestly in accord with nature.”
Musonius Rufus
‘In accord with nature’ or ‘natural:’ clearly this notion captures something primordial, almost beyond explanation.
We say of a graceful ballerina that her movement looks effortless and natural; somehow this is how movement is ‘supposed to be.’ Yet interestingly, it usually takes much cultivation and effort to bring about the movement that appears to be effort-less.
One of the great wonders of the natural world is that things must become what in a sense they already are, or were meant to be. People can with reason feel threatened by claims that this or that is natural for human persons, since the notion of natural often implies something of a demand.
So, if the thing in question is itself rather arduous and demanding, then we can have here a rather dramatic situation. What-it-is-to-be-me can call for me to be become something that I am not yet; here reality itself points the way to something that will require intentional cultivation, and the help of others.
Perhaps most remarkable of all is how what is ‘natural’ always ends up being a gift—-even when at first, and maybe even for some time, it doesn’t appear that way.
A pagan Roman thinker of the first century AD was convinced that marriage is just such a gift, even while it may be the most demanding of all. Marriage is not always seen and experienced for what it really is. Considering all factors today, this is actually quite understandable.
It is worth asking the question: what can be done so that marriage will appear more as it is, so that more of us can see the gift that is ours. All of ours.
Musonius Rufus (30-101 AD),teacher of Epictetus, was one of the four main Stoic philosophers of the Roman Empire.
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
Unfortunately, so many of our young people see marriage as unnatural…an institutional invention that has nothing to do with love. And, unfortunately, the Church in general is doing little to dispel that thinking.
I have personally experienced young single people beginning to almost fear the vocation of marriage, yes even good faithful Catholic young people, and one reason is because they constantly hear from so many married couples, yes even good faithful Catholic couples, that marriage is hard and “not what you expect it to be” and so forth. While this is true, I think sometimes we focus on the hard, difficult, not so glamorous aspects and feel responsible for enlightening the “naive” single men and women in our circles of influence, but forget sometimes to also relate the beautiful, wonderful, and life giving aspects of this same vocation. We should be witnesses of joy just as much as anything else, and if we are not experiencing that joy in our marriage (speaking as a married woman of almost 8 years) then perhaps we need to ask why and work to get closer to that “natural” state of married life.
Danni, These are very powerful words, and frankly I feel convicted by them. I need to be more careful of how I speak of marriage, and I need to put more energy into asking myself how I can do more to make mine better. Thank you very much for sharing these thoughts!
Danni,
Joan and I have also tried to be witnesses of the joy of marriage now for 63 years..and it
has been easy and natural. Congratulations on your marriage!
Looking back on my life, I sure can agree. I know a few totally “at ease” couples who are seemingly “at peace” with each other and with life. My sister and brother-in-law are one (going on 51 years!) of marriage, To another couple, who were both in my wedding in 1965, I commented that marriage is hard and that you have to work at it every day. They both looked a bit shocked, and one said to the other – “hon, do you remember having to work at out marriage?” The answer was, as you’d expect, “never”! That was so beautiful
Ginger, Both your words and Danni’s are a good reminder to me. Many thanks.
Hard Work and Joy are not exclusive of each other. My daughter has danced ballet for 12 years, and she definitely thinks of it as hard work, but she enjoys it. I have been married for nearly 20 years, and I would call marriage hard work without meaning that there is little joy in it. Just as I would be surprised to hear a dancer say that dancing is not at all difficult, so would I be surprised to hear a married couple say that marriage is quite easy. Not that it is impossible to dance, or have a good marriage, without having to put in a lot of effort; but I would think that would be the exception rather than the rule. I think that when it comes to hard work and joy, we are talking about both/and, rather than either/or. When advising single people about marriage, I would not want to leave out either, or emphasize one over the other. In most cases, both are going to come into play.
M.E., I think this is very well said. I think that I have been guilty of at times over-emphasizing the difficulty. But at the same time, young people do need help in having realistic expectations about the married life. I further agree that it would be the rare exception where a good marriage does not require much hard work, endurance, and patience. And this is not incompatible with joy, as you rightly point out. Thank you.