“Can a mother forget her child?”
Isaiah 49:15
My wife and I would have had a three month old child right now had we not lost this child in the tenth week of pregnancy last summer.
But of course we do have that child right now. It just happens that he is not ‘three months old,’ as we would have reckoned his age; and he does not live with us.
Just yesterday a friend of mine from Europe, with whom I am only occasionally in touch, wrote to me and caught me by surprise when he wondered whether our baby had been born? Being overseas and having not heard, he is perhaps the last person who will inquire about this baby. When I wrote back and told him what had happened, he felt very bad and even apologized for asking. His response was very kind and sensitive. He recognized that this is a real trauma for parents, who will respond to it in different ways.
But I want him to know that I do not at all regret having this child referred to and brought to my mind again. I was actually quite happy that someone, not knowing we had lost him, would inquire after him.
In addition to our six living children, Sofia and I have had five miscarried children in our marriage. When someone asks how many children we have I do not say eleven. Such, it seems to me, is simply not the thing to do. Yet a father of eleven I am and will be. Sofia and I have chosen to name these five children; most of them we were blessed to be able to bury in the earth, near other family members.
For some time I have wondered just how to relate to these children that I never knew or held in my arms—while they were alive. It is hard to relate to someone you don’t really know.
One morning a couple of years ago when I was remembering each of my six children in prayer, something struck me. Why do I not remember my other children along with them? Perhaps indeed they are beyond needing prayer. Yet nonetheless there seemed something incomplete about bringing just some of my children before God. The thought came to me: I am these children’s father. If I do not hold them in my heart, who among men will do so? They deserve to be remembered by their parents.
So since that time, when I am alone with God, or with my wife, or both, when I list my children, I list them all. And if I just sit in my room, as at times I do, and send my love to each of my children, one at a time, I also send my love to each of those five, by name. I know not for sure precisely where they are. I trust that God, their Heavenly Father, holds them in his hands, in some special way.
It is very hard not to have a face to picture. But as surely as the face of each of my six is a precious and unrepeatable sign of my wife’s and my love, and of God’s smiling and unbounded generosity, so too is the yet unseen face of each of those five.
I cannot today hold them in my arms, but hold them in my memory and in my heart is one thing I can do today. For this way of being together with them, and being a father to them, I am deeply grateful.
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This was particularly touching. My wife and I lost a little one through a miscarriage a couple of years back. We named the child Fulton Riley, and I often send prayers for her/him, and ask them to pray for us. It’s a strange sensation knowing that your child is now more ancient and present than you are.
Strange and wonderful indeed! Thank you for this Dominic.
I enjoyed your post very much. I had a miscarriage at 3 months, my only pregnancy. One night while watching Mother Angelica she mentioned that we should name the babies that miscarriage and pray to them as surely they are in heaven. She also said that we will see them face to face one day.
So I named my baby and can’t wait to meet him.
Dear Marie, Your faith is beautiful. What a grace that you heard Mother Angelica and now you have that relationship.
Thank you for this post! My oldest child died when he was 19 years old. I had placed him for adoption at his birth and he had just reentered our lives shortly before his death. Not having him in our lives for all those years makes my loss similar to miscarriage. His passing was difficult, but somehow I was comforted. My hope and prayer is that he is Home, waiting for us either in Heaven or Purgatory. So we must be good so that we can see him again. When people ask how many children we have, it can be tricky. My husband and I consider that we have one at Home and 8 still with us here. We had three children after his death and they talk about Eric as they do the brothers and sisters they know. God is good!
God is good indeed, Margaret. Thank you for sharing this; what a beautiful story. It is amazing how God turns painful situations into graces unexpected.
John thank you for the beautiful reminder to pray for our dear little ones whom I believe are with Our Heavenly Father and our Blessed Mother.
Thank you, Rick. God bless you and all your family.
Two years ago the Lord brought our Brigid Maureen back to Himself at 30 weeks in utero. We were blessed to hold her and have a beautiful funeral. It was a gift from Brigid and the Lord because for me it was a funeral for all my 7 miscarried babies.
When I am asked how many children I have I answer 7 on earth and Lord willing 7 in Heaven.
Who would have imagined: a special funeral that allowed you to mourn again for all those dear children. You have been so blessed. Thank you for sharing this.
For John and Sofia, and for all your readers –
I was so moved by your beautiful reflections here that I felt compelled to write a blog post at Miss Marcel’s Musings on “Where are the children now?” In the post I record words of Jesus to Servant of God Marcel Van, which words I think apply wonderfully to miscarried children. I am hoping that what I wrote (and transcribed) will bring comfort to you and to all those who have suffered the premature loss of their babies…God is good and He will not be outdone in generosity…Knowing how you would have cherished and nourished His children if He had let them be born, He cannot do less than cherish and nourish them Himself when He takes them Home early…..You can find what I wrote at suzieandres.com/blog. I hope it helps ease hearts!
Dear Suzie, Thank you so much for your kind and generous thoughts and words. What you have shared from Marcel Van is truly beautiful. Thank you again.
And one more thought. A friend sent me this (she had read your post here and mine at Miss Marcel’s Musings) – and I am in awe of how beautiful this reality is:
“What a blessing to have, as Mother Angelica put it, these precious children who were ‘created and lived a short time so the image of their parents imprinted on their faces may stand before Jesus as their personal intercessor.'”
Thank you for this post. We just today learned in our tenth week that we lost a child, and a friend who knew sent this on. We have 1 on earth and 3 in heaven and sometimes just feel so sad. However, it is a great comfort knowing that our children had the Eucharist in some way in utero and thus in some way a part of the body of Christ. My husband likes to say that God must have wanted some very simple souls to be with him. It is hard, however, as you mentioned not to know them in their individuality or to see a face. I just try to rest in the beautiful knowledge that God does, and that this gives us some link to them which will hopefully he strengthened in the life to come.
Dear Jo! What a real sadness indeed. May you continue to know the Lord’s comfort. You and your husband, and your children, are a beautiful witness.
While my cross is infertility (no pregnancies to date), several of my good friends have experienced miscarriage(s). Their pain is profound, yet I have seen meaning for those who mourn their loss through naming, funeral, burial, mass intention, etc in a way that is loving and honoring of the child and parents.
Sonrie, That is a cross indeed, and I will remember that in prayer. May you find meaning and comfort in your cross too.
We have been so blessed with 8 children on earth with 9 waiting for us at the end of our life here. We have prayed “for all the babies we can’t see” since our first loss. Thank you for your boldness in writing this !
Mary, What a blessing; nine waiting for you! Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you so much for your beautiful reflection. I’m so sorry for your losses. Miscarriages are so much more common than they are discussed, and so many who feel that pain think they are all alone. I think I will follow your lead and remember my 4 on earth plus two in heaven together. It gives me joy to hope I will see all six of them together someday in the hereafter. May God bless you and Sofia!
Dan, Thank you very much for your words here. Sofia and I send our very best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you for this post! It is good to know that we do not mourn our little ones alone. My husband and I lost our first baby, and we named him Bernard and buried him. I still pray for him and offer Masses for him, but I remember one of the most difficult things about the experience was not knowing exactly what the Church teaches about the eternal fate of unbaptized, unborn children. My mother had always said that my miscarried siblings were in heaven, but when we asked a priest to say a requiem Mass for Bernard, he responded that he couldn’t according to the rubrics; a requiem Mass can only be said for a baptized person. I honestly still have some trouble with the concept that the Church does not definitively say that my child is with the Father. Do you know of anything to read that might help me understand this better?
Danielle,
I certainly understand your situation. I do not have a definitive answer for you, but I would simply share what is in my heart. I am at peace with this: Our Heavenly Father’s plan is always better than we could have expected. Period. It seems to me, then, that is is a good opportunity simply to show our trust in him: He will cares for and loves our children more than we do. Therefore, I can truly trust, even if I don’t know the precise details.
I don’t mean to tell you what should give you peace or not. I simply share what is in my heart.
Also, I recommend going to the blog of Suzie Andres (link in an earlier comment by her) on this point. With prayerful best wishes.
Dear Dr. Cuddeback, Remember, also, that you are never closer to your little ones than when you attend Holy Mass, for when our Lord is lifted up, He draws all people to Himself. Your babies are there praying with and for you and their mother. And know that Our Blessed Mother visits and embraces them with her maternal love. Like with the Angels, your communion with them is imperfect in this life, but perfect *in Patria.*
Dear Fr. Gruber, It is so kind of you to write! Thank you very much for these very consoling thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your conversation with our Lord. I asked the Lord, this morning on the drive to work, for a gift to give my wife this mother’s day. When I read this post, it gave me direction on how to be a father to our children who died before they could be born; I also realized that this is part of the answer to my prayer and will guide the giving of the gift.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. My wife and I have experienced four miscarriages and one still-birth. We too have named them all. I take a strange and special pride in naming my children, those that I hold now (Grace, John and Ann) and those that have gone before me (Joy, Tessa, Michael, David and Jude). One thought that comforts me in a hopeful way is that as I have readied myself and home, preparing for their arrival in the nursery, I pray that now they pray for me and assist in preparing a “nursery” for me, for my arrival, when I get heavenly-home. What a beautiful gift they are to me!
Matthew,
And thank you very much for sharing that part of your life. I think the notion of their preparing a nursery for you is beautiful; I will remember that. I cannot also but think that the preparation that you did preparing for them in this life, though it seems not to have come to fruition, was still a gift to them in some way. Thank you again.