I think there is a danger for us in the two famous scriptural pericopes on a good woman, one in Proverbs 31 and the other in Sirach 26. I do not know what a woman thinks when she hears these remarkable texts. I want to consider how a man hears them.
There is much beautiful but also challenging in the description of a good woman, or more specifically a good wife. One challenge is that some of the images could seem to reinforce questionable stereotypes in identifying a wife’s excellence too much with such things as “putting her hands to the distaff” (Prov 31:19) or putting “flesh on [her husband’s] bones.” (Sirach 26:13) [Important here are other lines such as, “She opens her mouth with wisdom,” (Prov 31:26) and “no price is worthy of her temperate soul.” (Sirach 26:15)]
But my interest right now is a distinct if related issue. On hearing these pericopes I think there is a danger a man will feel something like, “Wow, how can I get one of those?”—as though it is simply an issue of finding one. This danger, in my estimation (and if I am wrong in this, then please disregard my rumination or take it as a reflection of my own disorder) can pertain both to unmarried and married men.
In short, I think a key problem is that men fail to focus on our role as providing the conditions for women to become such good wives. It is certainly understandable that a young man on hearing these praises might simply think his task is to go find such a person. And of course, it is indeed fitting when looking to marry that we discern potential spouses in view of such ideals! Yet, again, I think we are prone to expect that women somehow come pre-programmed to be just what we wanted, and we fail to recognize a key truth. Our part in making the marriage, and indeed leading in the marriage, is the natural prompt for the actual appearance of the good woman.
This is delicate and nuanced. I do not say that a good husband ‘makes’ a good wife. Nor do I say that there can be no good wife unless the husband is good. (St. Monica is a sufficient counter example here.) However I do suggest that by a wonderful divine plan each spouse should have, through striving to become good in his own way, a unique efficacy in forging the other. And I go further, given the man’s initiating or leading role in contracting and then living out marriage, he has a first responsibility in making sure that this happens.
Here I might assert that gratitude to God for the ‘blessing’ (see Sirach 26:3) of a good wife is key. Indeed, I think this is so, but with a qualification. Gratitude is most real and effective when it is well-informed and grounded in vision of the truth. A truth is we should not expect this blessing simply to show up independent of our sustained, persevering efforts in marriage. Sometimes the Lord in His Providence might grant a wife like Monica to a by all accounts unworthy husband like Patricius. Further, perhaps no man is ever truly worthy of a wife such as the ones praised in scripture.
Nonetheless, it is fitting that a man—whether unmarried or married for whatever length of time—strive to become worthy of such a wife precisely by doing all he can to make such a life possible for her. For again, by a wonderful natural plan, being a good man is the most fitting natural prompt and empowering invitation for a woman to become the good wife, which is her own fulfillment and such an astounding gift to all around her starting with her husband.
There is much more here to ponder, such as how being a good husband is the ground for being a good father, and so also a significant factor in forming the kind of daughters well-disposed to be good women. There is also the challenge of how young men can act so as to support, encourage, and empower young ladies in growing into good women. Again, of course the influence here is deeply reciprocal. But today on hearing these words of Scripture, my heart is moved not only to gratitude—to God and to the good women in my life—but also to ask if I am really doing my part in making their life possible. I can begin in any case with praise, “for a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Prov 31:30) ~ ~ ~
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Putting aside all other worthy considerations, finding a truly Godly woman is the foundation. If you know that you can grow in faith together and welcome the call to get each other to heaven, everything else can be managed.
This is well-balanced and insightful consideration of a complex and oft-over-simplified issue; indeed a MYSTERY.
I love the scripture, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” Eph. 5:25-29. As a husband, one of my key responsibilities is to take up the cross on my wife’s behalf. I want to create an environment where she can flourish and become the person God created her to be. Loving my wife well is a creative act because the love of God is the creative principle that brought all things into being and holds them in existence. I get to participate in that Divine Love through baptism and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and practice love in the sacrament of marriage. A divine mystery indeed.
Thanks
Thank you Bob, Imelda, Nathan, and David. The mysterious depths of marriage do take us into the heart of the divine mystery; so much here to contemplate and give thanks for, and to pray that we be able to enact!
St. Monica? St. Rita lived with a MONSTER.
I don’t recall the details, but I take your word for it. God’s grace can work wonders even in very dark places.
And, I believe, many countless other Christian women, their names and virtues to be known to us only in Heaven, as men & societies slowly, over centuries, caught up with Christ’s ideal and demands for His men followers in understanding marriage and that women were people too.
Thank you for this beautiful, affirming essay, and the beautiful responses here, Mr. Cuddeback– hopefully a course correct for many angry, reacting young men while even conservative young women run from their demands.
You are welcome, and thank you. We are all in this together!
Dr. Cuddeback, you have brought back for me a precious memory. In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I would have conversations that we came to know as “meetings of the mutual admiration society.” We would talk about the good things that we brought out in one another, how we helped one another to be better, stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. This wasn’t a contrived or intentional conversation, it’s just what we loved to talk about together. My husband passed 5 years ago, but he lives on in the person that I have become through our married friendship. Were it not for him, I would not be who I am today. We still walk together; he is still my other half. Rest in God’s Peace, my friend, I still hear your sweet voice.
What a lovely practice! I think my wife and I should give that a try. Thank you for sharing!
That’s beautiful! This ever-so-happily woman thanks you for sharing.
While there is all truth in what you have written, what is perhaps missing is “Okay, with those as perhaps the conditions for the dynamic between the two people, what are the things that a good wife must be?” I’ll start. She must by all accounts be a complete, well-rounded person with a sense of herself but have the desire and capacity to never let her sense of independence and individualism direct herself away from her union with her husband; she must remain focused always on that union. It’s a fine balance to be able to be preserve one’s complete identity without becoming a dishrag in the relationship. I welcome argument.
Thank you, Bob. I think you make a good point. A corresponding challenge, of course, is in how the husband must keep an appropriate focus on that union too, according to his complementary role.
That complementary role, the husband’s, is a bit more nuanced and touches upon something you covered near the end of your ICC course, Household and the Common Good. While he must certainly be focused on his union with his wife, his fine line or balance is between his leadership role and keeping an eye on the world beyond the household vs. abrogating his leadership role and ignoring the perils, both moral and physical, that the world continually threatens his household, for which his role is to protect against all of these.
Well said; and all the while that he is attending to things ‘out there’ he strives to keep his wife and household community very much in mind and heart.
My husband and I have been married for just over 42 years and I believe making God the center of your life is key to a good marriage. Recognizing each others strengths is also important. My husband is an amazing man who makes me want to be a good wife. We have certainly had our challenges along the way, but keeping our commitment to each other even in difficult times has made our relationship stronger. My husband puts God first and then me second, which is how it should be. He shows me that I am important to him, that he needs me, and that he is there for me. We take care of each other. I feel blessed to call him husband.
Thank you very much, Margaret, for this beautiful testimony to a very blessed marriage.
“the conditions for women to become such good wives…”
I had hope to see some more specific mention as to what you mean by this. Are there real conditions (practically speaking) or did you merely mean that as a general rule, the husband must be “good” himself in order for the wife to be as well.
Thank you for asking; there are many concrete ways that men provide conditions for women to become such good wives. This essay simply did not go into detail. I will mention here an illustrative example. A man naturally wants his wife to be very sensitive and willing to be vulnerable. But has he taken the necessary steps to make her feel heard and seen, and honored and protected, that are the natural ground for her making herself vulnerable?
Thank you again, Mr. Cuddeback. I do believe many even conservative young women are running from marriage, finding security in a fulfilling, wholesome career, because we have lost trust in even conservative young men to — not fulfill us, but– not abuse us.
Alas! But we can trust in the Lord and encourage both men and women to pursue the greatness to which the Lord is calling! Thank you, Sarah.
Woman only fully becomes woman with the love of Christ. Man is called to love her as Christ loves His bride, broken and poured out.
John, I’ve taught about marriage, dating, courting, “popping the question”, seeking a spouse, etc. for decades. This article is condensed wisdom that is worthy of a wider audience. I will promote what you share here to all who come to me for direction.
I would find your wife’s response to this article to be another gem, if you can persuade her to share her perspective.
Blessings upon your ministry, and most excellent blessings upon your dear family.
So kind of you, Andy, thank you. I will ask her to share her perspective; thanks for asking! God bless you and yours too.