One of the great Fathers of Christianity exhorts husbands in a most touching way. Indeed, it is so touching we must be careful not to miss the deeper point—that husbands have a unique obligation always to be tender in addressing their wife.
St. John Chrysostom preached to husbands: “Finally, never call her by her name alone, but with terms of endearment, honor, and love.” At first I simply thought to myself, “How sweet! Chrysostom really encourages me to be tender.” But the more I reflected, and read his other exhortations, the more I realized this is not just some sweet, recommended practice. It points to the heart of being a husband.
Is Chrysostom’s point that my wife is a delicate flower that will wilt at the slightest lack of affirmation or of disapproval? I don’t think so. At issue is something my wife truly needs from me, and that I owe her.
A key reality here is a certain asymmetry in marriage—an asymmetry that pertains to complementarity and is not a function of something being wrong. It is hard to capture this. But in marriage a woman has removed herself from the world of other relationships in a way her husband has not. Indeed, she has to some extent isolated herself under the care of her husband. This grounds and indeed demands his being uniquely attentive to her.
This is very challenging for at least two reasons. First, the general emphasis today of total ‘sameness’ and ‘equality’ in marriage militates against our recognizing what remains a fact of marriage—especially when couples strive to live marriage in its fulness. Second, in any age men struggle to grasp this uniquely demanding aspect of the spousal relationship. Let’s consider this second briefly.
When the emotional ‘feelings’ are strong—we might say during courtship and the ‘honeymoon’ stage—a certain tenderness comes easily. For this reason, a man might not intentionally cultivate a recognition and habitual practice of the importance of tenderness. Further, when ‘feelings’ are waning, a native masculine inattention to finer aspects of relationships can come to the fore. Then add to this that as marriage and life in general become more demanding and at times discouraging, the man’s own emotional needs make themselves known. He tends to feel, in ways he did not before, that he too needs solace, encouragement, and tenderness.
And of course he does need these things. Yet the reality remains that he should give priority to his wife’s need. Period. “Never call her by her name alone.” Never is a strong word. And of course we must read through to the deeper point that he must always act tenderly in addressing her (and, of course, he could do this using her name alone!).
Does a wife have an obligation to act with tenderness toward her husband, including in how she addresses him? I think so. But as husband, my obligation is first. Truly, I invited her into this relationship. I asked her to say no to the rest of the world (in a real way) in order to say yes to me. In being the heart of the home—in all of the complex richness of that term—she has made a unique oblation of herself.
And further, surprisingly enough, another obvious truth seldom receives due attention. A woman bears the brunt of the burden—only beginning with the obvious physical aspects—of bearing children. My children. Our children. This in itself grounds a special need for real, tender attention from me, her husband. All the time. This should not be an abstracted, uncomprehending affirmation such as, ‘Wow, I don’t know how you do it dear!!’ Such can in reality be unintentionally condescending and hurtful.
A wife needs to be seen. Really seen; understood; and affirmed. Of course essential to such understanding and affirmation is that it be expressed in numerous ways: our genuine involvement in the arduous work; our arranging homelife in view of empowering this work; our close attention to her needs, stresses, and desires; our consistent, real affirmation; our drawing her out on her inner thoughts (really drawing her out); our approach to marital intimacy that speaks loudly of our awareness and concern for her; and more.
In addition, as a clear, regular sign of our disposition toward her, we always address her in a certain way. Tenderly, just because of who she is. My wife. I think that is what St. John Chrysostom had in mind. ~ ~ ~
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NEW PODCAST HOW TO PLEASE YOUR WIFE: A Discussion. All humor aside, a man has a daunting task in doing for his wife what the marriage relationship calls for. John and Sofia read excerpts from a remarkable text by St. John Chrysostom and discuss its practical implications for every day life. Enjoy and share our other podcasts HERE.
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Beautifully said.
Goes both ways for different reasons, I think. I like that your comments made a point of acknowledging that men and women, husbands and wives, are different in their roles and associated demands, in their emotions, in their relational needs, and also in their histories and values and beliefs and gifts and struggles which all contribute to their unique identities. All of us, as partners, would do well to be mindful of these differences, how they affect our mutual relationship, and make it a point to respect and celebrate the precious gift that our partners bestow upon us in the name of love and commitment to a shared life, no matter how challenging that commitment will sometimes be.
Nicely said, Ellen–and indeed it certainly is challenging for all involved!
With all due respect (and plenty is due!), this still comes off as patronizing to me. Women do not need any special treatment for doing exactly what they signed up to do.
Both men and women make a vow to try to do *God’s* will in their mutually chosen vocation of founding and caring for a family.
A wife should not care what her husband calls her as long as he deals with her honestly and respectfully in his words and actions.
This piece denies that a wife is fragile but, it seems to me, that is exactly what is conveyed.
A wife absolutely does not depend on her husband for her feeling of self-worth and love.
She *knows* that *God Himself* loves her, can anyone suppose that knowledge of that sort is not much more than enough for her?
Spouses are not there to fulfill one another’s “needs”. They are there to mutually empty themselves in loving service of the family that God blesses them with.
I thank you, Marie, for this. I do think we’re just going to have different views on this. But I will share this further thought. While it is true that a wife does not ‘depend’ on her husband for self-worth, and also that spouses cannot ultimately fulfill all one another’s needs, I think we must recognize something that is still true. A husband can and should make a real contribution to her seeing her self-worth more clearly; similarly, he should make every effort to fulfill many of her legitimate needs. This, I think, is part of the beautiful plan for marriage. Yes, often both spouses fail in significant ways. In the end, each can and should know that their self-worth comes from God’s love, and that only God ultimately fulfills their needs. But this does not change the natural design by which spouses do much for each other, and for their children(!), in helping them understand how God loves them, and fulfills their needs. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.
My husband went to Heaven six months ago. As I read this essay I wept, as I do so often, because he was the essence of kindness and tenderness and thoughtfulness. He had dementia the last two years of his life. Even then, in that strangeness, his good humor would often surface. We knew we were earning our salvation.
So lovely, Kathleen. Prayers for you, him, and all your loved ones.
thankyou
What a wonderful Wednesday reflection John! My father was always saying that the best gift a father can give his children is for them to see the “the love that a husband should have for his wife.” My dad would tenderly say I love you to my mother by using both her first and middle names. It’s one of the most endearing things I will always remember about my dad.
What a beautiful memory, Teddy! I think that fulfills Chrysostom’s idea of not using her ‘name alone!’
This has always been understood and loved by both giver and receiver. Until now. There were always flowers brought home, doors held open, he taking her car to the gas station and filling it up, putting his jacket around her when it became cold or started to rain, walking on the street side of the sidewalk, pulling a chair out in a restaurant and having her sit first. This has nothing to do with viewing a woman as someone in need, but rather appreciating the beauty of her femininity. We all lost when chivalry died or became passé. But even though society for the most part didn’t even realize what it had lost, there are still those who understand the expression of love that this conveys (both in the doing and in the receiving with grace) and are lucky to still practice such things.
Wonderfully written.
As a woman, I am fond of saying ‘I am as equal as I wish to be’, when asked about my views on ~equality~. I honor and cherish the differences between man and woman, and have no wish to be other than what I am.
I do not expect to be treated as a man, and appreciate it when I am treated as a woman. I do not assume that any person who treats me as such does so out of pity, or their view of my fragility.
Golden words.
May God bless you, Bob.