“These people will also discover the seemingly insignificant conventions their predecessors have destroyed. Things like this: When it is proper for the young to be silent in front of their elders, when they should make way for them or stand up in their presence….”
Socrates, in Plato’s Republic
It is easy to deplore the state of manners today. It is difficult to discern how to address it. A first step is to remind ourselves of just how important manners are, and what we all miss when we lack them.
Manners makes life truly human in several ways. I will focus on one central way. They cultivate reverence for elders. What might seem just one moral disposition among many is in reality an irreplaceable cornerstone. Why?
At the center of our current moral, social, and cultural malaise is a rejection of what has been handed down to us, and a kind of idolatry of new and purportedly better and enlightened ways of living. This rejecting of tradition goes hand in hand with prioritizing one’s own feelings and desires. And it is literally embodied in our failure to honor age, to reverence our elders.
We have forgotten what any healthy society knows: truly human life demands real docility to those who have gone before us, both living and deceased.
Some of the most important forms of manners directly concern reverence for elders: forms of address or titles; how we speak with them; how we listen to them; how we greet them and act in their presence.
May I raise one uncomfortable but indicative example? Consider the young people around us—perhaps our own children or grandchildren. Do they reliably and habitually address adults as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” so and so? Do they greet them first (i.e., before being greeted), such as when seeing them at church or passing them on the street? In my experience even young people from good, intentional families tend to have very poor manners toward adults and the elderly.
I don’t want to belabor the point. But the wise have always seen that manners in such ‘little’ areas are in fact deeply expressive and formative of more fundamental moral dispositions.
The Law of Moses is quite explicit. “You shall rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:32) The implied connection between one’s orientation toward elders and one’s orientation toward God is bracing. It also points to an exciting if challenging opportunity.
Manners that cultivate an appropriate reverence for elders likewise do something profoundly important in the soul. They prepare one to see and receive the gift of truly human life, and to relate well to all persons, including God.
Forming ourselves and our youth in such manners will not be easy. Manners by nature are social forms and thus do not lend themselves to solitary development or exercise. Nonetheless, even today certain basic forms still have meaning and can function with real purpose. One example I have already given is manners of address. Mr., or Mrs., or Miss (possibly with first name, especially in the South). This is simple but will require real effort. The fruits will be worth it.
Other examples: bodily posture in the presence of elders (possibly including standing-up at certain times); listening attentively; answering clearly, perhaps with a ‘yes please, Mrs. x’ or ‘no thank you, Mr. y.’
These begin in our homes, especially at our meals. Multiplying archaic forms will not be the answer. Savvy parents, grandparents, etc. will recognize what can reasonably be expected from our youth. They will also discern what external forms of respect toward themselves (as parents, grandparents, etc.) they will require. Here, one parent focusing on the respect due to the other parent is especially effective.
Omitting manners formation deprives and can even maim our children. In the end, we must have confidence that demanding certain external forms is a powerful gift, one that far from pinioning them actually forms and strengthens their wings, preparing them to soar at the altitude of a richly human life.
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Our new short video on men cultivating manners at the dinner table. If you know someone who could benefit, please share!
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
How often do we find our obligation minding of manners, or etiquette, or that predecessor to “political correctness” of “being polite” set in contradiction up and against our obligation to honesty, or that is to say, how do we moderate a life of charity in truth and truth in charity without compromising either of the virtues?
Where do we find minding one’s manners not deployed to silence the process of fraternal correction laid out in the Gospel?
I have yet to discover where or how.
Lo, the great anathema of the age, what is become a tyranny of relativism, has been hurled to suggest that in order to be in the right, one must not conspire with the wrong.
A prophet is not without honor except in his own home and the only safe place for a monk is in his cell.
“Verum vero minime contradicat.” Scholastic proverb enshrined by the extraordinary magisterium in the V Lateran Council
Daniel, You raise some real issues here. There is certainly a now common notion of ‘politeness’ that runs contrary to the pursuit and proclamation of the truth. You ask: “Where do we find minding one’s manners not deployed to silence the process of fraternal correction laid out in the Gospel?” Pardon my simple straightforwardness here: we had better learn to do this in our homes. The manners of which I speak in this post are very much of a piece with a full-bodied pursuit of truth in community; indeed, rightly understood, such manners are a part of that pursuit. It seems to me that the dispositions cultivated by and expressed in the manners of which I write, lay a foundation for a context in which fraternal correction can be fittingly executed.
Thank you SO much for this important reflection on manners (and respect for the elderly)! Basic decorum has become a lost facet of life, even in many devout families these days. I appreciate you articulating the reasons why we must strive to regain our basic respect for each other through mealtime etiquette, and for laying out a plan to do so!
You are welcome, Karen!
Amen to this post. Scripture instructs children to honor and obey their parents, not the other way around.
A few weeks ago my wife and I went to our parish’ orientation program for new catechists. One of the people asked the DRE if the children should address teachers by Mr or Mrs or use first names. Of course I remained silent, but couldn’t quite believe the question either, coming from someone who was not at all young himself. Thankfully the answer was yes…. This is where we’re at, folks.
It is indeed where we’re at. And may the Lord grant us the wisdom, patience, and courage to discern and enact reasonable steps, especially for the sake of the young.
Thanks for your generous response, Dr. Cuddeback.
Fortunately, here in my veritable hermitage of a domestic church with my very honest, courteous, loyal, and otherwise tail-waggingly virtuous labrador retriever, (as well as a number of still empty bedrooms) both manners and honesty are easily maintained.
No longer in the vibrant Sonora desert but corresponding from a Cardinalatial See in East Texas,
Daniel
That quote of Socrates applies to me, discovering what my predecessors have destroyed. I’m trying to hand on what I received incompletely at best, and it’s awkward trying to teach habits I do not have myself at times. I’ve taken to reading choice letters from Miss Manners during our homeschool time. It’s educational for all of us. I do have be selective with what I read aloud. Miss Manners is witty and a good teacher, but she is a feminist.
Many adults, even and especially those old enough to know better, insist on being called by their first names even by my children. “Mr. First Name” has been an acceptable compromise thus far.