Although the lack of manners today is generally noted with disapproval, we often do not think of manners as a central feature of how we raise our children. But manners are arguably the major instance of a concrete, tangible thing we are failing to pass on, to the great detriment of all of us.
As a parent I understand why this happens. We focus on the larger things that obviously pertain to a right world-view and good moral standards. Manners—at least beyond the most rudimentary such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ (though sometimes those too)—slip under the radar. This is compounded by the fact that for many parents, especially the younger among us, key mannerly practices have already been lost, and so parents lack a connatural feel for patterning and inculcating them. And it goes without saying that the community at large is not helping us in this.
There are at least two good reasons for the central importance of manners. First, they instill and give expression to the most fundamental moral dispositions, such as respect, justice, and gratitude. In this way, they are indispensable in individual moral formation. A person unpracticed in concrete expressions of respect and gratitude will necessarily be a person lacking—to some real extent—in respect and gratitude. As Leon Kass writes, “the principles of self-command and consideration for others shown in ‘small manners’ are of a piece with virtue and justice.”
Second, manners are simply essential for the common good of any community. A household lacking good manners, as surely as a broader community or culture lacking manners, will fail in all key areas of human flourishing. Two examples amply illustrate this: public discourse and interaction with the elderly. No community can thrive, if indeed it can even long survive, without meaningful public discourse and substantial intercourse with the elderly, both of which are made possible by manners.
So where do parents start? We can start with the conviction that manners demand prioritization. And there is great if surprising news here. Manners are not just another challenge to add to our overly full plate. Rather, we should see manners as a key tool—perhaps even a silver bullet!—we have not yet really utilized in doing what we are already trying to do.
We must remember that though they do not arise naturally, manners, just like the virtues they cultivate and express, are the true fulfillment of our natural inclinations. Our children depend on us to direct them in these concrete ‘forms’ of living and interacting with others. Thus formation in manners is integral to the moral and spiritual formation at the heart of raising our children. It is neither extra nor peripheral.
These bold assertions are not undercut by the fact that one can be well-mannered on the outside but selfish on the inside. We have a name for such a deformation—namely, it is to be hypocritical. Such a possibility in no way diminishes the importance of outward manifestations. Again, especially when inculcated by parents and others with a good heart, the outer forms have the dual function of encouraging the right inner dispositions and of giving them expression and so making them effective and fruitful in the world around us.
For many of us adults this calls for self-examination and commitment to improving our own manners. All for the better. For generations the world around us has railed against external forms as empty and worthless, and in setting aside all ‘formalities’ has likewise maimed the inner spirit that alone gives life. The only path to restoration and renewed life is a comprehensive approach that appreciates the rich duality of human nature. Just which external forms to restore and which to forge afresh calls for careful discernment. But it is beyond question that the path to richer life is one arrayed with good manners. ~ ~ ~
NEW PODCAST The MANNERS CRISIS and What To Do About It: Join Sofia and me in discussing how to prioritize manners in this episode of the Intentional Household podcast.
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This is a very timely posting. Manners are foundational; they are building blocks for every relationship. Even having a toddler give a hug to someone who just gave them a gift is a good start if the toddler cannot yet speak. On the negative end, when I was still practicing law, I often met young attorneys who lacked the fundamentals of maintaining eye contact, offering a firm but not crushing handshake, and simply saying “how do you do.” Given that humans are social creatures, I don’t know how these folks expect to carry on in life.
Do you have any books you can recommend to help teach our children (and ourselves) about manners?
Hi Molly, I homeschooled our five kids, and one of the books I read to them was called, Living with Good Manners by John Narbona. I think I will pull it out and revisit it. I still have a couple of teens who will listen again.
Hi, Molly. Another book that you might want to consider is Goops and How to be Them by Gillette Burgess. These are poems written about a race of rude creatures, providing children with humorous & extreme examples of what we don’t want them to grow up to be – Goops!
John and Sofia, wonderful talk! I have much to ponder from listening, and am eager to share with my husband and children, hopefully around the dinner table! I am thinking of an adult woman at a competition my daugther was in, a woman in charge of the room of 7-12 grades, whose hair was blue. Sofia, what you said about forcing people to pay attention to a part of you stood out so much to me. Thank you for clarifying in words what we felt about that, and many other things as well in this discussion.
When teaching kindergarten students, I instructed the “paper passers” to wait for the words “thank you “Sophie” ( name of passer) and then to respond “you are welcome James”. When substitute teaching in middle school, I requested the students, after raising their hands, to begin their questions with my name first Ex. Mrs. Jones could you explain math problem 6? I believe this request began a habit of respect for each other and the teacher.
Such small things, Mary Jo, certainly are ways of cultivating very important dispositions. Thank you.
Thank you, all, for these comments. I will add as regards books: Sofia and I find that Emily Post’s classic Etiquette is still very helpful. There is actually an Emily Post Institute that has a number of interesting offerings; I can’t vouch that they’re all great, but they might be very good resources.
I follow @oldsoulettiquette on Instagram – a lovely young woman (Mariah Grumet Humbert) who has great advice on manners and etiquette. She teaches classes both virtually and in person. She, too, has noticed the need for manners; I applaud her for the work she does.
Thank you, Sharlene!
Excellent article! I find that calling out the good manners and virtues my nephews and nieces are displaying is another way to inculcate and further cement the good. As another resource, I love the Dominican Sisters of Mary’s “Manners Monday” videos on You Tube. Short, funny and a beautiful witness to the joy of religious life, they are a win-win! Like your Leon Kass quote, the Sisters say, “manners are not about you; they are about the other person.” Justice and Charity.
Manners Monday | 1 | Being on Time
Thank you, Jennifer. This sounds like a great resource.