My father-in-law once explained why he wanted to ‘homeschool’ when almost no one else in the state was doing so. “I wanted my children to be like their mother rather than like the teachers in the schools.” Whether this was or is the best practical conclusion, it in any case indicates a key starting point: education is much more than academics.

To ‘homeschool’ or not and for how long is but one important question for parents in a broader project at the heart of marriage and household. I would like to set aside that question for now and focus on the bigger picture—the forest that even very intentional parents can miss for the trees.

Here is a symptom of the problem I have in mind. Often parents when sending children to school can slip into the mindset that their children’s education is being ‘taken care of.’ I know from experience this can happen subtly and without our notice and is commonly a function of busyness in trying to get everything covered. The very same problem can occur in ‘homeschooling.’ Doing this or that program of studies is seen as the main way we are ‘educating’ our children.

I want to make myself clear: again, this is not a consideration about whether to ‘homeschool.’ To think clearly about where and how to ‘school’ we must consider prior principles, as is evident in the problem to which I advert.

Both the best brick and mortar schools with the most intentional teachers and staff, and the most well-designed home-studies curricula are always secondary in the ‘education’ of children. That might seem obvious. But do we act as though it is obvious? Do we parents in fact give our children’s broader formation the deliberation, attention, and care it demands—even and especially as they grow older?

Academic formation is crucial, and its requires much, regardless of how it is done, and thus it is understandable that the more personal and frankly more demanding aspects of formation are often overlooked. If we need a plan for academics then surely we need a plan for moral, spiritual, and emotional formation. And perhaps more to the point, it is not just about having a good plan; the execution of the plan demands daily attention and response to the concrete circumstances of the child from infancy through young adulthood.

Such attention, which the children so evidently need, calls for the concerted efforts of parents who keep a very close eye on them and who act from a loving authority. In the book of Sirach we read: “A daughter keeps her father secretly wakeful, and worry over her robs him of sleep.” (42:9) With due respect for the importance of geometry, the father’s concern here is not whether his daughter can do her proofs.

This father is constantly attuned to the deeper dispositions, sufferings, and needs of his daughter’s soul. That he is losing sleep points to an important nuance: he knows that as parents he and his wife can only do so much. That his efforts are not a ‘sure-fire’ for success in no way lessens but rather enhances his vigilance.

Is my child lonely? Does he have good playmates, and later, good friends? Does my child pray on his own? How does he feel about God? How is my child doing socially? Is peer pressure hurting and even paralyzing him? Are the things we demand making him feel isolated? Is he learning self-control, respect for elders, and other such essential dispositions? How is he relating to his siblings? What causes suffering in his life right now?

Perhaps most of all: honestly, would he come to me with his suffering? Does he not only know I love him, but really trust I will always understand, and be with him and take his part?

To be direct: to miss the above issues while attending to academics is indeed to miss the proverbial forest for the trees.

Today more than ever parenting can seem an almost impossible task. But that is part of the divine plan. Marriage too can seem impossible, so God has given a sacrament of matrimony. That there is no sacrament of parenting seems to indicate that attending to our marriage is the root of our parenting. Whatever our situation, we should trust that we can do all things in Him who strengthens us.

Losing sleep is not good, so we should do what we can to get the sleep we need. Yet some things are worth losing sleep over, such as the full-person formation of our children. Our persevering choice to put first things first in ‘educating’ our children well will have astounding fruits—even if not exactly when and how we would wish. ~ ~ ~

LATEST PODCAST: EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN: SOME PRACTICAL PRINCIPLES. Join Sofia and me in a wide-ranging discussion that addresses how to think about academic formation in light of the deeper issue of personal formation through every-day life in the home. Find all our Intentional Household podcasts HERE.

LAST DAY TO SIGNUP: LIFECRAFT DAY at the BARN! ‘Doing Music and Dance Right in Our Homes and Communities.’ Come join us IN PERSON this Saturday July 19 and get a whole new perspective on music in the home, dancing at weddings, schools, and youth groups, and more! Due to a generous donor, tickets including dinner ONLY $10/person. Information and Registration HERE

John Cuddeback

Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.