“…and the association of living beings who have this sense—of good and evil—make a household…”
Aristotle, Politics
The fact is that many people today end up living in a house alone. Sometimes it is by choice. Other times it is surely not, and the house has echoes of people who were there in the past, or whom the inhabitant dearly wishes, even if in the abstract and unknowing, might one day live there.
To ‘come home’ just to oneself can be very difficult. It can even make one wonder—what’s the point? One might wish that one’s own household would simply cease to exist, and perhaps be absorbed into someone else’s. Then I’d really be at home, when ‘we’ are at home, together.
A household is always about sharing life together. And so a home can be a living contradiction—even if many people are actually there. Real living together requires more than being under the same roof.
Thought it doesn’t always feel like it, a signal gift in human life is the existence of others with whom we share human nature. Shared humanity is the basis for shared life, for living together in various rich ways. The household is the specifically human way of living together on a daily basis.
So what then of a household of one? This question has special importance today when socio-economic patterns make living alone more feasible and more common—among young adults, middle-aged, and elderly. Regardless of the reasons and the ultimate desirability of this situation, the fact is that circumstances nearly dictate that a number of people will live alone, thereby constituting what we can call a household of one.
Can a household of one be a real household, a place of shared daily life? My answer is yes, and this especially to the extent that the person realizes that his or her household too is about shared life, every day.
The central drama, it seems to me, in any household is whether the focus is on me, or on us; on the individual, or on shared life and communion of persons, beginning in the home and transcending it. Again, having several persons in the house—even where needs seem to be met—does not in itself suffice for real shared life. Living in communion and true being-together, where people really feel ‘at home,’ require certain interior dispositions and that these be lived out in certain ways. There is more here than meets the eye. So it is in a household of one, too.
Consider those fairy-tale households of one person living in the forest. When the children approach the door you wonder whether they will be offered dinner, or be made into dinner. This highlights in bold two basic alternative attitudes of any household: my life here is about me, and others are simply means to my ends; or, my life here is about sharing who and what I am with others—whether they are belong to my household, or not.
A household can always look outward generously. In the case of a married couple and family, they start within, putting a priority on one another, and then extend themselves in hospitality and openness to others, effectively expanded the interior life outward.
A household of one likewise can cultivate a life within that is then shared with others. It will be somewhat different. But neither way is ever easy.
Some households of one are preparing to be family households. Some are what is left now of a former family household. Some for various reasons are neither of these, or perhaps are not sure of where they fall. Yet in all cases a household of one can be a real home of other-centered life and love.
Some of the warmest and most welcoming homes I’ve entered are households of one. I think of my grandma’s home when I was child. Going through her front door was like entering a land of enchantment; it was for me a home away from home. I think of some middle-aged people I know. Will they ever marry? Perhaps God only knows, but right now they make their home a place that human hearts love to be, finding home-liness, and life-giving presence.
How many wandering or lost individuals have stepped into such a household of one, and feel that someone has been waiting, and even preparing, just for them? The life-giving power of such a home cannot be measured.
In every household, no matter the size, there is the challenge and the opportunity to live a truly human life, which is always a shared life, in generosity, in little ways and in big, every day.
~ ~ ~
P.s.: If so inspired, please share any experiences of your own, regarding households of one.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), student of Plato, tutor of Alexander the Great, has been considered by many to be the greatest ancient philosopher. The Politics is one of his major ethical works.
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
Very beautiful, John. And good to keep in mind as our children begin leaving the “household”.
Thanks Laura. Yes indeed–as children leave our households they can move into an interesting and somewhat challenging limbo. I think that we need to think with our young people to help them consider how they can see themselves as in a household, at least to some extent, even during their times of transition.
Thanks for the reflection. I believe that the nature of the ideal household life can be ascertained by looking to the Trinity. Though Christ had no place wherewith He could lay his head, as He tells us in the Gospel, He was himself a kind of household: one interpretation of the famous saying, “The kingdom of God is among you,” is that Christ refers to Himself there; Christ is the kingdom. One seminal feature characterizing the life of Christ is His perpetual adoration of the Father; His perpetual Other-orientation (toward God, toward His flock); His perpetual self-giving. In other words, Christ is both the perfect kingdom – the perfect House – *and* it is true that His nature is itself eternal love, caritas. I think this account of the ideal household can account for the fruitfulness of, for example, the early desert fathers, like St. Antony, who though living in solitude in the desert wilderness, contributed mightily to the Body of Christ through their ascetic prayer and adoration. In addition, this account gives hope to those of us who live alone: the main thing is to love God, and have Him always in our minds and hearts, and dedicate our lives to Him: the resonance of this self-giving love will surely benefit those around us, even those we never meet.
Amen, Brian. Amen.
This is wonderful! Thank you.
You’re welcome, Christopher!
This is so beautiful! I’ve been a household of one for many years. (I’m happy to say those days are numbered as my wedding date approaches and I’ll begin making a home with my new husband.) It can be tempting to abandon discipline and let things go—drop clothes on the floor, eat casually in front of the TV, keep the walls bare, etc. I’ve taken the view that God has given me a feminine disposition and a love of beauty that isn’t to be squandered or unused. I fill every space with art and pretty things, lay out the china and set the table for one, light the candles for prayers, stock the shelves with books, keep a full sets of wine glasses, wear my silk pajamas to bed, put a vase of cut flowers on the table… When anyone enters—even the electrician and the cable guy—they remark on the homey-ness of my place, and they see instantly the woman that I am, the things I treasure, the faith I belong to. To me, creating my household of one has been self-expression in anticipation of another and in gratitude to the One who created me.
What a beautiful testimony, Lily! Thank you very much for sharing, and many congratulations as you prepare for your exciting transition!
This has given me much to think about. Beautiful. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Cathy!
I am a new household of one now that my husband passed away in 2018. I do find it a lonely experience at times but I have tended to be a private person so it’s mostly alright. I did open two Airbnb units in my basement so in that way, many times I am not really alone. I am trying to come to a real understanding of what it means to live with Christ, so in that way I am truly never alone. Although because of my limited view, sometimes it seems I am.
Barbara, I’m very sorry–the passing of a spouse is so painful. I am convinced (though I know it’s easy for me to say) that such a painful transition gives us an opportunity to come alive in a new way in our new household. I wish you many blessings in this journey. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful thoughts, John. Our Daughter and her 3 children, ages 14, 13 and 9 have just moved in with us and this is exactly what I needed to help shape and soften my attitude. Thank you!
Joan, Wow. This is a big moment for you all. Many blessings on your family.
“A household of one likewise can cultivate a life within that is then shared with others.” Thank you for such warm, wise words that have inspired me and my household of one. Hope that you and your wonderful household are well – may God bless you all!
Siobhan, So glad to hear it. Thank you much, and may your household of one continue to thrive!
I am catching up on your posts and came across this gem, thank you Dr. Cuddeback. I am a household of one that you referenced (one who seems to be perpetually single and still looking for marriage). 🙂 I am so grateful for those who come into my home and often remark at how at peace they feel there. It has become an intentional focus of my hospitality during this time of waiting on my vocation. Bless you and your writing.
Karen, I’m so glad this struck a chord with you. I really want to think more about households of one, and to consider how they can thrive and be more deeply connected to other households. Thanks for this.