“It makes no small difference, then, whether we form habits of one kind or of another from our very youth; it makes a very great difference, or rather all the difference.”
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics
G.K. Chesterton said that either way you fall off a tight rope, you still have fallen off. In many areas of understanding reality we must try to walk a tight rope, putting proper emphasis on both sides of an issue. This can be very difficult, especially when it comes to self-knowledge.
In thinking about our childhood and how we were raised we can fall of the rope in two main ways: we err in failing to appreciate its importance, or we err in over-emphasizing its importance.
The place to start is with gratitude. This is more than a formal exercise in “OK, let’s make sure we remember the good things.” The truth is that there is much in how we were raised for which we should be profoundly, and specifically, grateful. To miss this not only skews us in relation to where we come from, it also means we fail in fulfilling what Aristotle holds to be a debt that can never be sufficiently paid—to our parents.
In taking an honest inventory of our developmental history—something in which we might need professional assistance, and in which we definitely need the loving support of family and friends—we should discover where things have gone well and also where we needed things we did not receive.
Then, it seems to me, we need to walk the tight rope. We must recognize that our past makes a significant difference in its good and bad aspects, with all of which we need to reckon. We must also recognize that what we do with it is now in our hands, and thus our responsibility, even if it can seem downright paralyzing.
Both of these aspects are critical to becoming our true selves. And indeed, a whole new meaning and fulfillment might be in store for us, if we can find our way to seeing all that we have been given as a gift—including the handicaps and challenges—in dealing with which we might just come even closer to those we love most.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), student of Plato, tutor of Alexander the Great, has been considered by many to be the greatest ancient philosopher. The Nicomachean Ethics is his major ethical work.
Image: George Claussen (1852-1944), English. Little Hay-makers.
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Thank you for this beautiful reflection, Dr. Cuddeback. It is extremely helpful. I have tried many times to examine my past, my upbringing, and I have hurts, I have wounds. There are things that I feel like I should have received, but did not, at least not sufficiently. Your comment that “what we do with it is now in our hands,” as simple a comment as it may be, really is eye-opening. And I really do believe that all “handicaps and challenges” are gifts from God, in the form of trials to test, try, perfect our faith, hope, trust, and love of God. Thank you for this reflection.
John Paul, Your candid and humble words are deeply appreciated. We are all in this together. Let us encourage one another in the confidence that all these things can work together to our greater good. Many thanks and best wishes to you.
Thank you Professor! Your insight comes as timely help! It is indeed important to keep a balance when interpreting how the past influences our present and future. Those who come from disadvantaged backgrounds may err in overemphazing the present impact of what they were born into and become stuck in periods of intense suffering. Even in bad early circumstances, one can find blessings to be grateful for and in how it helped shape anything of value. Otherwise, suffering can become paralyzing when unwisely comparing one’s life to those who have had better families and advantages. The present is for us to live the best we can in responsibility, truth and sacrificial love! I’d love to see a greater psychological awareness among clergy and the devout laity so we can be better equipped to support others. Thanks for your article!
Jenny, I very much agree that a raised awareness and discussion of developmental and psychological realities would be very beneficial for all of us. Thanks very much.
I enjoyed this post Dr. Cuddeback.
Recently I have been reading a website “The Players Tribune”, on it professional athletes write “Letters to [their] Younger [selves]”.
Time and again these letters contain language that express a gratitude for the biggest challenges, whether it’s Joe Theismann describing his injury as a blessing, Edinson Cavani his barefoot playing as a child in the dirt as a beautiful memory, Mike Bossy or Bryan Trottier’s fathers creating ice where there was none.
Finding gratitude in adversity is to me one of the hardest, deepest and most transformational things we can witness and do and is within our free will. The choice has never been whether or not we face challenges, it is what we do with them. This lesson can come from our parents and the habits they modeled, but it can also come from others or from within ourselves.
In his work “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktr Frankl certainly touches on this.
It is a good reminder. Recognizing our power in this forces us to reexamine accountability and can be an excellent first step toward growth. Life contains adversity, but adversity can also be what develops the roots we need to grow and bloom in ways we never could have imagined.
Malia,
“Finding gratitude in adversity is to me one of the hardest, deepest and most transformational things we can witness and do and is within our free will.”
Yes indeed. And I suppose it really can only be learned in and through real adversity. Isn’t it amazing how in this way good really does overcome evil?
I also appreciate your noting how others can teach us things which for whatever reason our parents did not. Thank you much.
Thank you for this. When I was younger I don’t think that I realized how much a person’s past/upbringing could affect their future. Now I am experiencing the fallout in my family and I just pray that my own children are not damaged by their broken home. Please pray for me.
Torey, I am with you in prayer. If I may suggest this: Perhaps rather than praying that your children not be damaged, we could pray that even in their hurt and suffering they will find the redemptive power of love. While I completely understand what you are expressing–and how it comes form a love and concern for the children–I think we should not fear our children’s being damaged. For ‘damaged’ to some extent they will all be. But we can always strive to be with them in their suffering, and to show them how all things can work to the good, even when we can’t yet see how. Thanks so much for sharing.
This is what I love to work with clients when they seek therapy/counseling in my practice. The topics of attachment, family dynamics, and the effects on roles in family on the adult person. For good or bad, we are products of our environments and knowing as much about ourselves can impact our relationships with our own spouses, children, friendships, colleagues, etc. Thanks for writing about that this week.
This is a topic I love to approach with clients who contact me for therapy/counseling in my practice. Attachment from our primary caregivers when we were young impacts us in our adult relationships of all types. This is fascinating and important, as the expectations we have and ways we relate to others are often implicitly learned as children. Thank you for bringing this up in your column this week.
Thank you Sonrie. All the best to you in your practice!