There is much more than meets the eye in grandparenting. In grandparenting is perhaps the single greatest instance of the active human life coming to fruition. If this seems an exaggeration, it at least bears closer examination.
We should not be misled by a popular caricature of grandparenting, where grandchildren are a pleasant accoutrement in the life of a couple pursuing their golden retirement. The grandparenting of which I speak—which of course for a number of reasons will not be possible for all couples—places significant and at times intense demands on the couple. It is not peripheral to their state in life. It is the natural continuation of what has been central in their identity and commitments, namely the raising of their own children.
But doesn’t raising a child come to a kind of conclusion when we send the child off into the world? Yes, surely, a key chapter is then complete. But a line from Thomas Aquinas has always struck me: “It is natural that the father’s care for his son should endure to the end of his life.” There is much to unpack here, as this assertion of the perpetuity of parenting does not imply it is one undifferentiated project from beginning to end. Parenting is notably different once a child is no longer under parental authority, but it would be a mistake to think that the role of parents is reduced to insignificance.
While not all our offspring will have children, central to how we continue to ‘parent’ those who do is precisely through grandparenting. What this looks like and how it plays out is as profound as human life itself. From our own child’s earliest days, our love for the child grows mysteriously out of our spousal love, the love from which the child was mysteriously formed! While love for the child always has its own integrity, we are in a sense loving our spouse in loving our child. In a wonderfully analogous way, while love for our grandchildren has its own integrity, we are in a sense loving our child in loving his child.
Here at the center of a natural plan for love—a plan we could never have made but can only discover and enact—we actually get a new angle on the incomparable richness of marriage. Grandparenting is the natural fruition of married love. Grandparenting can and should turn spouses toward one another in a new and richer way.
What might have seemed a time to wind-down begins to appear as a gentle but firm call to step up; to put out further into the deep—the deep into which we embarked so long ago.
Fascinatingly, when Aquinas makes the above quoted assertion, he is making an argument for the indissolubility of marriage. In other words, that parenting never ceases is a key sign that marriage never ceases. How wondrous. Just as from the start becoming parents draws spouses together in discovering and exercising what it really means to be married, grandparenting too as a continuation of parenting should draw spouses together in an ever-deeper way.
It is one of life’s greatest arts to determine the details of grandparenting, as surely as to determine the details of (the original and in a sense less-complicated!) parenting. Grandparenting is an exercise in relating to our children and grandchildren at the same time. The richness and importance of the grandparents’ role in the life of grandchildren is proverbial; and it is more important today than ever before in helping to form those little ones, and show them their place in this world.
And somehow this role is also an exercise of bringing about a new and otherwise unreached richness in our relation to our children, to whom we now relate as adults, helping them to be parents, even while always having the privilege of being father or mother to them.
But let us not forget the crowning aspect, which in all this richness might have been missed. In grandparenting my spouse and I can forge anew the incomparable bond of marriage. How will we relate now to our children-turned-parents? How will we best love and serve their children, our grandchildren? This is ours to discover, to discern, and to do, together. ~ ~ ~
TODAY’S NEW PODCAST is Optimizing the Role of Grandparents in Children’s Lives Join Sofia and me in delving into grandparenting, in its principles and details! Check out and share our other PODCASTS too.
NEXT LIFECRAFT ONLINE READING: Wendell Berry’s essay: The Pleasures of Eating. Join us to discuss this provocative essay about the place of eating in every household. Wednesday September 4th, 8:30pm EDT SIGNUP HERE
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Thank you for these words, Dr. Cuddeback. How timely they are for me. I am sitting in my daughter’s hospital room in the maternity ward, along with my wife, my son-in-law, and Gavin, our newest grandchild born last night. This is our daughter’s first child and our fourth grandchild. Each time, there are no other words for this but awe and love. There is no other experience quite like it.
” a natural plan for love—a plan we could never have made but can only discover and enact” Spot on. I’m always reminded that a caterpillar has no real idea of what it is to be a butterfly.
Indeed. And then one day he becomes one! Thanks Christian.
Thanks
You’re welcome; it is my privilege to pursue these things here.
“Grandparenting is the natural fruition of married love.”
This is what we have desired to experienced for ourselves but extremely frustrated in how our child is not raising our grandchildren as we hope and pray. It is to the point of embarrassment for us as a couple, but nothing can be done when the child does not want to hear/listen to our suggestions. It is as if we don’t know anything. I will listen to your latest podcast on this topic to help us sift through the sadness we are currently experiencing. Our married love is stronger than ever in going through this difficult trial.
God bless you, Helen. I pray and trust that God will bless your child and grandchildren and guide you and your husband such that this suffering will be fruit.
I know firsthand how you feel, Helen.
I frequently remind myself that my Irish Catholic grandfather was a wonderful role model for me, but I did not exactly follow his example or appreciate his influence until long after he died.
It might be the same for you (and me). We may not see during our lifetimes the influence that we have on our grandchildren.
Beautiful
Thank you for revealing to my heart and mind these truths.
Thank you, Keith, for such an expression of gratitude.
I am reminded and confirmed…my/our role as grandparents. Perhaps prayer too, indeed, yes, prayer is the eternal gift we give to our children as they become parents and to our grandchildren as they grow, and as we age and then pass on to heaven.
But it reads a bit romantic. Our oldest grandson was the apple of our eye and still is but he started having seizures at 4 years old. This turn took all of us down a painful road. As he suffered, so did we.
It is reality that the more beautiful souls adding to your family tree, the more of our hearts are outside the body, walking around in a fallen world.
God is our hope. And He is good.
Amen, Jim; wise words. The more we love, the more we are vulnerable and suffer. Somehow this is part of the gift, as difficult as it is.
This is such an important subject and I want to thank you for expressing your thoughts on it so eloquently! I especially love the quote “Grandparenting is an exercise in relating to our children and grandchildren at the same time”. Although I sometimes had a different parenting style than my children, I have observed and learned new ways of relating to the grands as a result of seeing my children parent. I’ve grown and appreciate many of these approaches, and this has forged deeper bonds with my children that were not present earlier. In turn, I hope that I’ve been able to be a listening ear and mentor to them, as well as to the grands. Lastly, I agree with Jerry who commented that the fruit we have tried to help fertilize may not ripen until much later–perhps after we’re gone! We’re all a work in progress.
Nice angle on this, Karen. I love how you say that you’ve learned how to related to the grands from observing your children in their parenting. What an amazing richness there is in this plan! And amen too to Jerry words on taking the long view.
We have five grands (spanning about 10 years) and we watch in awe as they grow. What comes to mind is that “grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.” The grands love us and we love them.
What gifts they are!
They are watching us and that helps us to be good role models for them…the rest is in His hands.
May God bless your efforts, Roy.
This is so beautiful. I am challenged and inspired by reading the essay and the comments. Thank you!
So grateful to hear that, Jennifer.