It is a hard reality that in the very things most important to us we make missteps, sometimes precisely because they are so important to us. Friendship is a standout example. An insight from a master of friendship can help us make our eagerness for friendship an asset rather than a liability.

In his great work Spiritual Friendship, Aelred of Rievaulx writes of a man whose “one ambition is to be loved and to love.” This of course is no censure of the man. But Aelred proceeds, “Too eager for friendship, he risks being deceived by its likeness, accepting false for true, feigned for real…”

The bitter irony of this has always struck me, even while it is verified in experience. It would seem one could not be ‘too eager’ for friendship, something so important that it demands we seek it with great intentionality. But perhaps the need for intentionality clarifies the problem (and points to the solution): our eagerness can hamper the reasoned focus that seeking friendship requires.

Aelred has more to offer us here. “Although attachment frequently precedes friendship, it should never be followed unless reason guides, honesty moderates, and justice rules.” Further, “Especially in choosing and testing a friend we should take precautions, if possible, not to set our hearts too quickly…”

The big picture seems to be this. The nature of deep friendship requires so much (of both persons) that it simply cannot be rushed; it calls for patient discernment and careful cultivation. At the same time, our affections can be engaged more quickly, and so we have the common danger of assuming and acting as though we are better friends than we are.

Put more starkly, we are deceived by ‘a likeness,’ or worse, something ‘feigned’ or ‘false.’ Perhaps the most serious consequence is that something is standing in for and effectively blocking the development of the real thing. And this is because we omitted the hard work of patient discernment with reasoned examination that must be the path to the key friendships in our life.

This reality is most obvious in the young and is a key reason that they—our children, our grandchildren, our students…–need our close and reasoned mentoring. We must convey this stark and demanding truth, as well as practice it in our own lives.

Now one might think that what Aelred is suggesting will condemn a person to perpetual loneliness with such high ideals. Further, I often hear when I lecture on friendship that the great problem experienced today is finding the right kind of people. This tends to heighten the danger of ‘settling,’ and of setting our hearts too quickly. One might want to respond to Aelred: sure, I’d love to have the opportunity to be so discerning in my relationships, but present circumstances don’t allow for it.

Neither Aelred nor I have an easy solution. But a couple things, I think, are clear. We should not, in our understandable eagerness for friendship, lose sight of its intrinsic demands—demands rooted in human nature and the astoundingly beautiful reality of friendship. We should always seek to live in the truth, with a clear vision of what a good human life is, both naturally and supernaturally.

We can start by doing all in our power—through prayer and our interior life, and through a disciplined cultivation of moral virtues—to become the kind of person capable of true friendship. Such is always the first, irreplaceable step in seeking friends. Then, with hope grounded in prayer, and concrete action rooted in honest discernment and the counsel of those wiser than us, we look outward and upward.

And behold, we must just discover others looking in the same direction, all in good time. ~ ~ ~

LATEST PODCAST INTRODUCES MY NEW BOOK, THE INTENTIONAL HOUSEHOLD : Sofia and I discuss the key insights of the book, showing why it will give new direction and confidence for anyone concerned about the central issue of our age. See HERE for information and ordering the book! For my book True Friendship, which has more of Aelred and Aquinas’s wisdom, see HERE.

John Cuddeback

Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.