Of course there is neglect, and there is neglect. Let’s focus on the lesser and more pervasive form. I don’t want to be overly dramatic. Yet I honestly think that some form of this often plays out, rather unnoticed, under our very noses. Perhaps in our own home.
An easy way to start to think about this for many of us is to go into our own childhood. Let me clear: the point here is not to fabricate problems, nor to point fingers at anyone else for our real issues! I simply suggest a mental exercise in view of re-forming our own approach to young people—whether our children, our grandchildren, godchildren, students, etc.
Many can remember instances, or whole periods of early life, where a loving, attentive eye might have seen our suffering, entered into it in some way, and so have made a significant difference. But such did not happen. And whether we were really ‘alone’ or not, we felt alone—which is in fact to be alone in a very important sense.
Maybe we needed direction, or re-direction; or encouragement or a reminder that all would be OK; or simply to be noticed—and so to know and to feel that we were not alone.
Recently I have spent a lot of time tending my raised bed of summer squashes. It has struck me how plants growing next to one another can be in very different places. This one is being attacked by more squash bugs; this one just isn’t getting enough water. And this one seemed fine—to an eye not looking closely enough—and then it quickly falls into the worst condition of all. There are gardeners, and there are gardeners.
Gardens are always like households, with the difference that failure in the garden is normally not a big deal.
The U.S. military is committed to ‘leave no man behind,’ and school systems might say the same of their students. Yet by a great plan of nature, the primordial place of none left behind is the family. Here is a sacred yet often under-intentionalized duty most characteristic of parenting. If it is understandable that we commonly fall short in this, it is certainly not acceptable that we take it as given.
Each of us can begin today. It applies of course as soon as there is any child in the picture. But when the number of blessings grows, then especially is intentionality required. I know all too well the experience of parents of several children who move to a ‘zone defense’ as it were and are grateful if everyone remains safe and healthy, and gets reasonably educated.
Here, however, is where we need to tune in and recognize we must go beyond what appears sufficient, and ‘do-able.’ This will require much of us. It will demand a re-examination of priorities in our life; how we think about career and profession; and how we think about friend time and free time. It will demand a new approach to observing our children, with a watchfulness that is open-eyed, close-up, and constant. It calls for concrete discussions with my spouse, not just about how ‘they’ or ‘we’(!) are doing but about how each of them is doing.
And it calls for a willingness to see; a willingness to see perhaps what we’d rather not see, or what we don’t think we have time to see. Or respond to.
In the end, it’s not only about the child—though that would be more than enough reason. It’s also about us, and the person we are called to be in and through our being a parent (or grandparent, godparent, teacher…). The difference our intentionality can make here will be lifechanging. Lifegiving. For many. ~ ~ ~
OUR NEWEST PODCAST IS HOUSEHOLD: WHAT ARE WE MAKING TOGETHER ANYWAY? Join Sofia and me in examining the background and foundation of much we do here at LifeCraft, as we discuss what a man and woman make together in marriage. Please check out and share our other podcasts too!
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and encouragement on this topic, Dr. Cuddeback. My wife and I recently welcomed twins and now have five children under six years old. I’ve wrestled with this very idea of how to foster a unique and personal relationship with each child as our family grows. I want them all to feel seen and known by their parents, but it’s harder and harder to carve out one-on-one time with any regularity (especially during this season of tending to newborn twins). No doubt a lot of creativity and intentionality is needed here. Blessings to you and your family.
I never make comments, but I think we might learn something from the Mormons here. When I was growing up, my Mormon best friend had a date with each of her parents each week. Sunday was also strictly a family/church day – I could never go over to play on that day. Though I think the second example wouldn’t be entirely Catholic, the first has always inspired me. I think they can offer the Church a great deal of wisdom concerning intentional family life.
Thank you Julie, I’m glad you made this comment! Even their practice about Sunday is a reminder that we can be very intentional, and perhaps we choose to do something that sets us apart from many around us.
Thank you for this article. We have been noticing some of ours “getting lost in the shuffle”, especially the one in the middle who doesn’t act up as much, and I would hate for her to grow up thinking that she was forgotten, just because her parents were so outnumbered. Do you think older sibling/younger sibling intentional time is a good option (some of the time) or must it be 1:1 of parents with each child? By the way, we have 9 kids. Thank you for your seasoned advice! Hi to Sofia as well!
Hi Charlene, Thanks for asking. I suppose I’d have to say ‘both and.’ I do think that some 1:1 time is key–of course reasonably only so much will be possible. And for this very reason, the other forms of together time are very important too. But key is this: it goes a long way if a father and/or mother is simply ‘tuned in’ to each individual, noticing his/her particular needs and challenges and responding to them–and this need not be through 1:1 time! In other words, the most important thing is that parents are aware, noticing, and responding in some way. This is key in the child never experiencing himself as being alone; for indeed, he is always being noticed. We too had a child ‘in the middle’ that we now see it was all too easy not to attend to, precisely because the child didn’t seem to have any special needs or demands. Now we see more clearly that we were lulled into not attending as we could have. Very glad to hear that you are noticing this now! Best from Sofia too!