“the courage… of a man and of a woman, are not…the same.”
Aristotle, Politics
Not many nights ago, my wife shared something remarkable with me. Here is basically what she said:
In battle, or other such dramatic circumstances, a man might face the possibility of death, the separation of his body and soul. Yet in each and every childbirth, a woman must face the separation of body and soul. And further, when she carries a child, and nurses a child, and cares each day for a child, she experiences her whole body as an oblation for that child.
Frankly, I was stunned. These words have the obvious ring of truth, yet I think I never would have noticed this remarkable reality had she not given words to her experience. Indeed, what will it take for me really to comprehend?
Upon my prompting, she continued to try to explain the unexplainable. In giving birth, she said, it’s not so much that you feel that you could die—though there is certainly that. And it’s not so much that the pain seems unbearable, which at moments it does. Even more to the point is the experience that you must give forth what has been so intimately your own. In this different kind of separation of body and soul, it’s as though you are giving up your own body, without actually dying. In some way, actual death might be easier.
And of course, this is only the beginning. A woman’s beautiful and gentle body has just entered a season of consistent and growing demands. There is ongoing oblation. Yet she loves, and she endures, often with nary a word. Her life becomes a kind of life-giving death.
In the ever-astounding cycle and rhythm of human life, this oblation began with an embodied act of love. A mother can never forget the deep and mysterious connection between that act, and this oblation. She wonders, she endures, and she loves.
How is it that a man can so easily miss this? Is there a flaw in the design?
The design, I think, is not flawed. But we are. We need to learn to see what we do not see, and to give more than we think we have to give.
In honor of the courage and the love of this woman, and of all mothers, I now put down my pen in silence and in awe. Lord, help us to see, and forgive us for our lack of vision. Bless all mothers, and grant them the husbands they deserve. But if for whatever reason that is not to be, then please, grant them some fitting reward, for their courage and their love.
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Thank you Dr Cuddeback. These words and what they express surprised me, and I gave birth to 3 healthy children. Looking back these many years I can remember those feelings although I’d never put them into words! My “children” are now 45, 48 and 51 – but they are still my “children”. Think I more fully felt your words with the birth of my grandchildren!]
Ginger, Perhaps some aspects of what I expressed are somewhat unique to my wife–frankly I’m not quite sure. But I also have confidence there is some universality in them, about which I still have much to learn!
You say “How is it that a man can so easily miss this?” I daresay that even most mothers miss a lot of what you say. There is something about childbearing – including cooperating with God in bringing a new creation into the world – that is very mysterious and hard to fully comprehend, let alone put into words. I cannot imagine that this “mystery” could be put into words any better than in your reflection.
Thank you, Carol, for your words. Surely we all have much to learn still, and we learn at different speeds. Yet I still have confidence that women tend to have special insight into these matters–of course especially their own experience–and from them men need to learn.
What a beautiful thought. If I thought this as I became a mother to 3 boys, I certainly would not have been able to articulate the thought. I think I was too overwhelmed to think that deeply!! Now I have time to sit and ponder this as my boys are about to become fathers….one is supposed to be born in two days! Thank you for this.
Cathy, Thanks for the comment, and congratulations and best wishes for your sons and grandchildren!
I stumbled upon this reflection at such a timely moment; I am within days or a couple weeks of giving birth to my third child, and how true these words are! What struck me after the births of my first two was how like death birth was (as much as someone who has never actually died could comprehend) …like death and resurrection, really. How a woman has to, in some sense die, for new life to come forth. I think your wife and I were likely thinking about the same truth…that feeling of needing to surrender and give up our own bodies for new life to flourish through us. In a way I felt that God has given mothers a chance to mirror Christ’s work of salvation in a way that men will never be able to do, or fully understand. Thank you for reminding me of this, as I prepare to live it again soon. Motherhood is indeed the greatest blessing.