It is proverbial that children are a unique bond between spouses. More than just a psychological bond, raising children (in the broad and rich sense, which takes a lifetime) is the single greatest natural catalyst, context, and cause of growing marital friendship. A key and indeed life-changing insight is contained in Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas calling children a ‘common good’ of parents.

‘Common good’ is perhaps unique in being at once the most important and least understand of notions. The most obvious ‘common goods’ in human life consist in shared activities. The conversation of friends is a ‘common good’—it truly belongs to both friends precisely because it is enacted together. Similarly, the common good of a household or a political society consists most in their shared flourishing. Again, it truly belongs to each member, but is itself a shared enactment beyond the capability of any individual.

The greatest goods in human life are common goods; our truest flourishing is always shared flourishing: flourishing we cannot do by ourselves but can achieve as parts of a whole.

Material things might be owned in common, but they are not true ‘common goods.’ If we own a book ‘in common,’ only the activity of reading aloud together would truly be common. Spiritual goods are what can be most common. Wisdom is shared by many and is never diminished by more people participating in it.

What does it mean then to call a child a ‘common good’ of parents? The question is dramatic. Normally we don’t speak of a person being himself a ‘common good.’ (In this, God is a crucial exception.) Children are certainly not a common good as some sort of ‘possession’ parents share, like the house they own together. So how are they common goods?

I think the key is this: the flourishing, the happiness of children is something a husband and wife forge together. Indeed, the very activities of this forging are the most defining activities of their marriage union. Crafting their good is our good. It is what we do together.

This is far from implying that we do it for our own sakes. Quite the contrary: generation in marriage is intrinsically generous. It is OURS to craft THEIR good. And precisely in such a generosity (if not toward one’s own children, then toward other persons) do we have something we really share in common. This is an utterly astounding design. It is pure gift. And it is ours to receive and enact.

Thomas Aquinas writes that “children are a common good of both husband and wife whose union exists for the sake of children.” He continues, “But what is common sustains and preserves the friendship, which itself also consists in a sharing.”

Implied in the words ‘sustains’ and ‘preserves’ is another verb: grows. Here are three thoughts then on how couples can make ‘raising children’ (again in the life-long sense) the cause and context of deepening their own friendship.

1. Raising children is the subject of consistent, rich conversation. This begins on our wedding day (Ok, maybe it really gets going the day after). And it continues to the day we are separated in death. God called us together for the sake of generosity. It begins by looking first to one another; and then outward together. And the glorious complexity of this life-long endeavor enriches our every day.

2. Our focus on the children reminds us to focus first on one another. There is a deep magic here. I probably should not need reminding of how to love my wife. But discovering the truth that “the best thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse well” provides a powerful prompt. The children’s good is not the root motivation of loving my wife; but it is for me a needed reminder to choose to grow my love. Again and again. Chosen for her good, it redounds to theirs.

3. Shared trials and sufferings related to our children bind us together. Aristotle and Aquinas put shared joys and sorrows at the heart of friendship. Experience shows that the difficulties and travails of raising children can drive us apart. Here is the central opportunity to make the choice that is the hinge of any true friendship. We can choose to suffer this together; or, we can fall into what comes all too ‘naturally’—to be driven into our own corner.

What does it take to learn to suffer with a friend? Whatever it is, it is the key to all deep relationships; and spouses suffering in and through raising their children is the most obvious context that requires it.

The choice is ours. The deep magic is in place. The gifts have been given. For parents—parents of all kinds—the common good of our children is calling us, to be enacted. Starting today, for the greatest good of all of us. ~ ~ ~

TODAY’S PODCAST: Celebrating Easter Like We Mean It.  Easter is the feast of all feasts, undergirding all true festivity and leisure. Yet we often struggle to celebrate it well. Sofia and I offer a practical approach to how our Easter celebration—leading up to it and after it—can transform and elevate our homelife. LIsten and share our podcasts wherever you access your podcasts.

John Cuddeback

Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.